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News of the possible abode emerged earlier in the week when a visitor reported walking the entirety of a Luton street without feeling under threat. He then posted details of the locale onto the SafefromthemUK.com website, which alerts Britons to places they needn’t cower in, and, in an emotional TikTok, wept about how he finally felt ‘part of the community of Britons again.’


But that wasn’t the end of the story. An eagle eyed Lutonite who fled the town decades ago confirmed that the supposed street the man was claiming to be part of Luton was in fact a model railway siding got up to resemble Browforth Street, L3. ‘The real Browforth street,’ the man confirmed, ‘is caked in dog shit. This place was far too pristine to ever be in Luton.’


When contacted about his emotional and geographical dishonesty, the TikToker would only say, ‘I won’t say whether the Luton street was real sized or miniature, but I will say that what I posted REFLECTS MY LIVED EXPERIENCED.’ He specifically asked for the last four words of that sentence to be quoted in caps. When the man talked about ‘his real lived experience’ your reporter recoiled and withdrew from confronting him further.


Luton has been in the reporting doldrums recently following decades of it being touted as the single most desirable place to reside in Europe. A succession of scandals involving resident despair and chronic architectural ugliness have left its once proud homeowners considering all measures, including moving to Slough. Once again, a succession of scandals involving resident despair and chronic architectural ugliness have left its once proud homeowners considering all measures, including moving to Slough.





Following Luis Diaz’s stoppage time goal against Luton Town, saving Liverpool from an embarrassing defeat by the Premier League minnows, manager Jurgen Klopp is said to be considering having more of his players’ family members kidnapped.


'Diaz never seemed to be giving his best before,' Klopp allegedly told reporters today. 'It’s clear that worrying about his father’s kidnap has really lit a fire under him.'


Sources suggest Klopp is planning the kidnapping of Mohammed Salah’s aunt, Diogo Jota’s nephew and Darwin Nunez’s pedigree cocker spaniel. Suggestions he might also take relatives of the match officials to gain leverage over them were dismissed as unnecessary by a Sky Sports spokesman. 'Clubs like Liverpool make us far more money than clubs like Luton, so the result was neVAR really in doubt.'




A Luton man found that his house had been sold while he was working away from home, and all his belongings stripped from it, after carelessly accepting the 'legitimate interest' of a range of companies to meddle in his life.

“All I wanted to do was to use a website to book a holiday” said the man, “so when a popup asked me about 'legitimate interest',naturally I clicked OK. I mean, I thought that sounded legit - literally. Then I when I came back home I found the locks changed, my life’s belongings on ebay, and my house sold for £130k as ‘an attractive two bed property in a desirable suburb, albeit with some need for refurbishment’. How dare they!? Apart from my life being in tatters now, we repainted the bathroom only last year, what more do you want?”


“It’s quite simple” said Ms Arabella Fortescue, of You're Fortescued Property Retail. “As estate agents, we have a legitimate interest in anyone’s house, flat, maisonette or garden shed, so as soon as you click “OK” we’re in. Just like LoanShark Inc has a legitimate interest in this man's bank details, and Rupert the smooth-talking barman has a legitimate interest in his daughter’s phone number.”


While the man faces a struggle to re-orient his life now he is of no fixed abode, he can console himself that at least he is spared the trouble of dealing with the several thousand tonnes of sugary foodstuffs that are already on their way to his previous address, thanks to him agreeing to “accept all cookies”.






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