Supreme Court rules Trump can compete on Love Island

Donald Trump will be allowed to compete on the upcoming series of Love Island, after the US Supreme Court ruled that Trump is immune from justice as well as to STDs probably, given he's still alive after all the porn stars. 

In a hastily deleted social media post, Trump wrote 'Love Island, but not as much as I love the flag of Liberia or Australia or whatever I think the flag of America looks like.'

'One woman, she said to me... tears in her eyes... she said I have the body of a chiselled Greek God. Just imagine my mostly nude, rippling body - maybe some golden budgie smugglers - maybe not - running on the beach, bouncing in slow motion like the Baywatch credits. Really think about it.'

'Like me, there will be a few "fun" racists and misogynists on there. Women? I'll grab them by the... well, what I'll grab them by is already a matter of public record.' 

'I will miss my current wife E Jean Pelosi or Kamala Haley or whoever it is. I will also miss my children... that I know of... right guys? They know what I'm talking about. No, I'm joking. I won't miss my children at all. Except for my daughter Ivana, if you know what I mean.'  

'Once I have finished claiming Love Island for Russia - I mean America - or do I? - I look forward to defeating the failing Barack Clinton in November and going full Handmaid's Tale.'

image from pixabay

Monkeys demand free upgrade to Homo sapiens status

'We were amazed to find we share 97 percent of our genes with humans.' says a monkey spokesman. 'We had no idea. Here we were swinging from trees and picking nits out of each others' fur, not realising we're distantly related to the Royal Family.'

Zoology professor Peter Romilly says, 'Turning into humans has its advantages, such as getting to cover your genitals and being issued with a Social Security number. However, these lower primates really need to have more patience and not be so pushy. Normally it takes 2-3 million years to evolve upright posture and the ability to play video games". He also believes monkeys would have to go into hiding from religious fundamentalists if they start "flaunting evolution.'

Not all monkeys want to upgrade. 'I'd miss the carefree simian lifestyle, says one chimpanzee, 'just hanging out in the forest chattering and throwing our faeces at each other. And what about the bonobos - how would they manage to go on fornicating 24/7 if they turn into humans? They can't all be competitors on Love Island.'

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Prince Andrew appointed trade envoy to Love Island

Liz Truss insisted that Andrew could bring a wealth of experience about private islands, inappropriate love and pizza related alibis. One aide commented: ‘They both seemed so excited, we didn’t have the heart to tell them that Love Island is not a real country’.

Prince Andrew is said to have been ready to leave in an instant, having had his bags packed for a hasty exit months ago. He did insist that his new role would be covered by diplomatic immunity, anonymity on Tinder and an untraceable Search History.

Meanwhile, the International Trade Secretary has made her mark by appointing a string of inappropriate envoys; including Oliver Cromwell to Ireland, Henry V to France and Kate Hoey to anywhere. Many have sarcastically commented that Truss was just pulling names out of a hat, while her aide explained: ‘It’s not that that strategic’.

Andrew will be solely responsible for the import and export of love to the UK, with his primary focus on emerging markets – ‘nothing too old’ he demanded. Unlike other Royals who have been accused of not working hard, Andrew promised to be very hands on.

Image by adamkontor from Pixabay