New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment

Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.

'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.

Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.

In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.

Lords may block Allwyn Entertainment taking over the National Lottery

Leaked reports from a House of Lords committee express concerns that the cost of a lottery ticket is too low and jackpot wins are enabling some of the hoi polloi to get beyond their station by winning a fortune that in time, might enable them to become lords. They assert that only by excluding the poor from participating in the lottery, will it be possible to maintain the fairness in politics the nation was accustomed to.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/paulodiniz-2972828/

Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating

Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.

"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."

Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.

"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."

Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.

But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.

"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"

Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34