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Labour to impose a supertax on bingo



Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.


'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.


Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash

Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating




Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.


"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."


Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.


"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."


Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.


But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.


"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"


Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."


Author: Pagdog07



First published 10 Mar 2022



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"I'm not bothered," says man who lost £15m within seconds



How does is feel to lose £15 million within the space of 10 seconds?

Just ask Kevin Smalls of Wolverhampton, who blew his chance to win last week's National Lottery in his local corner shop on the Wednesfield Road by tragically picking the wrong numbers.


'It's just a lottery ticket. I'm not bothered,' said Smalls yesterday, kicking a Coke can down the street as he struggled to come to terms with the enormity of his loss.


'Why are you making such a big deal of it?' Smalls continued.


'For Christ's sake, stop following me around.'


Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash

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