"I'm not bothered," says man who lost £15m within seconds

How does is feel to lose £15 million within the space of 10 seconds?

Just ask Kevin Smalls of Wolverhampton, who blew his chance to win last week's National Lottery in his local corner shop on the Wednesfield Road by tragically picking the wrong numbers.

'It's just a lottery ticket. I'm not bothered,' said Smalls yesterday, kicking a Coke can down the street as he struggled to come to terms with the enormity of his loss.

'Why are you making such a big deal of it?' Smalls continued.

'For Christ's sake, stop following me around.'

Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash

New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment

Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.

'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.

Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.

In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.

Lords may block Allwyn Entertainment taking over the National Lottery

Leaked reports from a House of Lords committee express concerns that the cost of a lottery ticket is too low and jackpot wins are enabling some of the hoi polloi to get beyond their station by winning a fortune that in time, might enable them to become lords. They assert that only by excluding the poor from participating in the lottery, will it be possible to maintain the fairness in politics the nation was accustomed to.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/paulodiniz-2972828/