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Supermarket of choice for the posh and some say privileged, Waitrose, has announced a new collaboration with The National Lottery that will soon see winning ticket holders get paid, not in cash, but instead fresh produce from the store’s shelves will be the prize.


Waitrose Director of Public Affairs, Jay Lewes, told reporters: ‘We are delighted to be involved in an exciting initiative that will see real value added to the prizes.


‘For example, currently if a player matches three numbers in a standard Lotto game they win £30. However, from May match three and they will get a Waitrose voucher for a pack of our 4 Hand-Trimmed, Responsibly Husbanded, Organic Lamb Cutlets worth an impressive £45. That’s a significant 50% uplift on the prize value.'


A spokesman for Camelot said: ‘This is very exciting and is in response to suggestions that with the cost of living squeeze, prize values have become devalued in real terms recent years. We are particularly excited about the new Jackpot guidelines.


‘If players are lucky enough to match all six balls then they will be able to take the cash prize in the normal way, but should they prefer, they can waive the money and go for a much more valuable three-minute trolley dash down the fresh meat and fish aisles, thus giving a wonderful opportunity to almost double the value of their Jackpot.’





In an attempt to gain younger potential voters the government has rolled out some new initiatives.


'We've stopped the under 18s from buying lottery tickets - and why not, they're hardly likely to use their winnings to bankroll the Tory party,' said a government minister today. 'We've also stopped them buying and smoking cigarettes or vape products until their 18th birthday - and any check on the high street will confirm what an effective rule that is,' he added, puffing his chest out.


'Drinking beer is a long standing privilege for over-18s, also ruthlessly observed. And what's all this getting married before you're 18 all about, eh? There's no way a 16 or 17 year old can be relied on to raise a child, keep a household, hold down a job and bankroll the Tory party. That's off the cards now, too. 'So now you can see Rishi's masterplan. No lottery, no smoking, no vaping, no drinking and definitely no marrying. What is there left to do between their 16th and 18th birthday? Maths, that's what. What else could they legally do other than maths? What was that? Shagging? Really? Instead of calculus? You really are out of touch, son.'






Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.


'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.


Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.


In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.

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