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While failing to overcome the inherent illegalities of offshoring desperate immigrants at the increasingly shrill behest of a rampantly vindictive government, the House of Lords has sought personal sanctuary in also attaching an amendment to send themselves to a luxury resort in the Maldives. Although in the context of Rwanda, the Maldives should be officially referred to as 'the other place'.
Lord Jobsworth confirmed, 'The Prime Minister of the other other place noisily confided in us all that if we passed his precious Rwanda bill, we could have whatever our hearts and offshore tax avoidance funds desired.
'To that end, there are several hundred additional amendments to the bill, including family home moats, duck houses, 300-year-old brandies, mountain ranges of cocaine and as many high end prostitutes as we can shake a limp stick at.
'The whole Rwanda thing was quite reasonable taxpayer value at a shade over £500 million, so we've just tacked on a cheeky few extra billion in additional costs. That's how democracy works these days. The lovely Suella Braverman shall have her moist dream of a front page splash in the Telegraph of poor souls shrieking all the way to East Africa.
'If that seems reasonable value to you, also included in the price is a sign for a small lectern with the three word slogan GET RWANDA DONE. And that concludes our part in the defrauding of a nation.
image from pixabay
The England Cricket Board is thrilled with their win against India and about the brilliant performance of bowler Tom Hartley.
Work is now in hand to fast-track his career. As demonstrated by many before him, the usual trajectory is unexpected success, wild expectation, setbacks, teeth gnashing, mentoring, tabloid expose, time off, wild speculation, cautious return, limited success, family issues, mental health issues, inappropriate banter, tabloid fury, IPL contract, fantastic performances in India, dismal performances for England, disappointment, regret, grief, embarrassment, resignation.
English Cricket says that the process towards inevitable downfall is currently taking far too long and ties up too many resources. They feel it will be in everyone’s interests to speed up the whole process, and are working on a plan to do this.
A spokesman said, ‘England supporters prefer to have low expectations of the team, and to expect defeat. They find it unbearable if the team have a passably good player and there is even a small chance that the team will win, because the inevitable defeat will only hit them harder.’
Tom Hartley was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be in discussions with a team in the IPL.
Photo by michael weir on Unsplash
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