Dodgy guys tricked into going to desert island

Following Philip Scofield’s decision to take part in a reality show, in which we watch him struggle to survive on a desert island, there are reports that a number of other alleged dodgy guys have followed suit.

So far Huw Edwards, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly and Gary Glitter (real name Paul Gadd) have signed up to take part in a similar show, with the aim of rehabilitating their reputations with the public, according to a TV insider.

However, it seems none of them were informed that the others would be present, or that the supply ship wouldn’t be returning after dropping them off on the remote island.

”It’s a sort of creepy Lord of the Flies,” said the programme maker Oliver Matcha. “We feel the public will enjoy seeing these vile men turning on each other in panic, as their supplies dwindle and they face the very real prospect of starvation. I only wish Savile, Harris, Epstein and al Fayed could be there too.

“It’s a bit dark for a weekday evening show, I grant you. To be honest, I think Channel 4 only said yes because they were thinking of Lord of the Rings. But if they’re expecting hobbits, dwarves and magic rings, they’ll be disappointed.

”But the rest of us will get to enjoy the likes of Roman Polanski and Jonathan King scratching each other’s eyes out over half a rotten mango.”

image from pixabay

Starmer accepts magic ring from Sauron

The PM's office explained: 'It's a gift. At no point did the Dark Lord say he expected anything in exchange, other than Keir's eternal soul. The Prime Minister is under no obligation, other than to chase hobbits all over Middle Earth.

'Everything was declared in the appendices to The Silmarillion. Being a Ring Wraith will not prevent his work as PM, if anything it makes him more likeable.' Sadly this is true, as Starmer's popularity is lower than Rings of Power Season 2. He insisted it was not a bribe, but was not helped by referring to the ring as 'my precious'. Friends have said he should avoid the appearance of sleaze by casting the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, or as Tolkien called it, 'Boris Johnson's arse'.

image from pixabay

Sauron Announces Retirement: Says Goals 'Mostly Achieved'

Sauron, the Dark Lord, announced his retirement today in a statement posted on his Instagram account. ‘With 170 of the 195 nations of the world ruled by total wankers, and humans spewing planet-searing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, I feel that my objectives here are mostly achieved,’ Sauron said. ‘And the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation just adds to the fun,’ the statement continued.

Sauron noted that what he’ll miss most about the job is working ‘hand in claw’ with such ‘star pupils’ as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. ‘Nothing is more gratifying than seeing excellent students master the subject matter so thoroughly,’ Sauron said. The Lidless Eye acknowledged that as a last official act he will help Trump by sending ‘a brace of Nazgul’ to kidnap Kamala Harris, adding, ‘It’s really the least I could do.’

 With the infinite time Sauron will now have available in retirement, he said he would probably ‘putter around the garden as anyone would, developing plant-based toxins usable in mass casualty events.’ He also plans on completing his much-anticipated memoirs. ‘They’ll be written in blood, of course,’ said Sauron’s literary agent in a phone interview. ‘It will all be very on-brand.’

Picture credit: Wix AI