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The London Mayor’s office had egg on its face today when an intern accidentally read out a document marked “For internal office use only” during a press conference.


The document, drawn up to mark the one year anniversary of the ULEZ zone, revealed that the scheme had been “every bit as lucrative as we’d hoped”. 


It went on to detail how the revenue was divided almost equally between people paying the charge, and the fines levied if they forgot. It also revealed a third stream of income, backhanders from car dealers whose business went through the roof as those who could afford to rushed to trade in older cars for recent models that meet the ULEZ standard.


It was only when he came to the phrase “Though obviously what we announce to the public should be about pollution, air quality and all that bollocks” that the intern realised his mistake. 


“There appears to have been some confusion,” smarmed the Director of PR, as the intern cleared his desk in the background. “Let me reassure you, our only goal in creating the ULEZ zone was the improvement of public health. Just think how much healthier the poor will be now they have to walk everywhere.


”Besides, it’s vitally important we ease congestion in central London. Even with limits set at 20mph, how are we going to make any money from speed cameras unless the traffic flows a bit faster?”







Following the success of Reform Limited in fielding a defective, sorry defecting, sorry - correct on both counts - MP, two councillors and a single London Assembly member the Labour Party has panicked and has decided to follow the trend to create a limited company. 


Labour Party members will be offered the opportunity to buy shares, vote at AGMs which the directors will ignore as in all well-run limited companies (and coincidentally in the current Labour Party), and instead of a shadow cabinet the organisation will have directors with Keir Starmer as Chairman, Rachel Reeves as Company Secretary and Wes Streeting the director responsible for taking the blame when HMRC come knocking.


The new organisation will be listed on the Bonn Exchange and insiders say the new name, Labour Very Limited, is a good description of what it will be able to do once it inherits the mess the Tories are leaving.


Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that, if re-elected, he intends to introduce “Audi or above” lanes on London’s roads.



”It’s an idea we’ve been toying with for a while,” he told journalists today. “The ULEZ charge, which penalises people with older cars who can least afford to pay it, was a step in this direction. But I think it’s time we came out and made our intentions plain.



“A lot of people think it’s inevitable central London will become an exclusive playground for the rich, with the working classes only going there to provide some kind of service for them and then going home, but I don’t agree. I think we have to actively work to bring that about. And having lanes just for expensive cars will help.”



Asked exactly which cars would qualify, Khan stressed that “Audi or above” was only a nickname, and in fact some of the smaller Audis are “frankly a bit chavvy” and would probably be excluded.



“Likewise the smaller BMWs. And older cars of any kind. And obviously ghastly makes like Dacia and Kia, even their so-called ‘top of the range’ models.”



Cars that do qualify, on the other hand, would include “any kind of pointlessly large ‘Chelsea tractor’, especially if it’s being used to take one small child to school half a mile away. And all electric cars - they’re still pretty expensive, which ought to guarantee their owners are the right sort.”



When it was pointed out that BMW drivers are notoriously arrogant, rarely if ever using the mirrors or indicators the manufacturer saw fit to provide them, Khan replied “Well yes, but they’re rich so who cares?”


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