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As restrictions from popular holiday destinations such as Tenerife, Barbados and Grimsby are lifted, and self isolation with symptoms reduced to twenty minutes, the government has determined that anyone leaving the Ukraine bound for the UK has to have two valid PCR tests showing negative or a validated donation to the Conservative Party of at least £50,000. With Russian tanks gathering and Piers Morgan threatening to become a foreign correspondent in the Ukraine, Brits are scrabbling to pull the £50k donation together as fast as they can as it is still cheaper than two commercial PCR tests for a family of four. 'We have to get out fast,' said one Brit, 'before they send Liz Truss in to embarrass us further.'
According to the UN, Russian troops have pulled out from the border with Ukraine following Liz Truss’ threat to deploy the ultimate deterrent – herself.
Russian President and sometime bare-chested taxi driver Vladimir Putin said she was violating international treaties and codes of conduct. After quaking in his boots for thirty seconds, he made a statement: ‘The reckless actions of ‘The Truss’ were those of a deranged madman, much like myself. I thought Johnson was the worlds worse foreign secretary, what with trying to start a war with me over my world cup and saying I was like Hitler.
This crazy woman is talking about banning the import of our world-famous Baboushka dolls, which account for over 91% of our economy. Imagine having her living next door?
The only way we can counter such a terrifying threat is to hope that our glorious revolutionary inter-continental self–aggrandising missiles will shut her the fuck up.’
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