Jeremy Hunt really concerned where that £22 billion went

“It was all there where I left it. I even wrote a little note that said, “Here is a lot of money”. It really is terribly worrying that this inexperienced chancellor, whoever his name is, has lost it all. When I left, fully expecting to return after a massive Tory election win, I thought I would carry on with all my good work. There was a total absence of economic black holes at that point, my plan was to lower taxes and give gift vouchers to everyone. Weird.”

He then tutted and shook his head. “I mean to lose all that money in such a short period of time is terrible, I think they may have pulled a full Truss so to speak”, an aide then whispered something in his ear, and he then muttered, “She was on our side?”

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Scientific brain break-through

Scientists have revealed the first wiring diagram for the whole brain of a fruit fly. This promises to revolutionise the field of neuroscience and pave the way for unprecedented insight into how the brain produces behaviour,

More importantly it will allow a timely input into the election of the next Tory leader. The leader of this breakthrough – Professor Branestawm – explained:-

“It has of course been scientifically proved that the previous 5 Conservative Party leaders could only muster between all of them less than the brain of a single gnat. However the challenge at the moment is that the combined brainpower of the current 4 candidates is less than that of an amoeba – and a particularly thick – sorry, intellectually challenged - one at that."

There have been some expressions of interest from the fruit fly community in standing as a potential candidate. When it was pointed out that fruit flies only have a life span of 40 – 50 days, a fruit fly spokesfly pointed out the Liz Truss precedent.

Image: Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

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Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Amidst the hoopla of the Tory leadership competition, details emerged today of a secret competition going on in the background to be the next leader but one.

'Seriously, who'd want to become leader now?' said a floppy-haired young man from a public school background, who for the first time in his life wished to remain anonymous. 'Whichever poor sod wins will get rinsed at the next election and resign in disgrace. That's when the real competition starts.'

'Exactly,' said a young woman from an ethnic minority, but still the same public school background. 'Though I must admit, when I see Starmer cutting winter fuel payments to pensioners, accepting freebies from billionaires and confusing hostages with sausages, I do wonder if we might have a chance.

'Then I remember Rishi leaving D-Day early, and pretty much everything Liz Truss ever said or did, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid. No, I'll let someone else take the fall in 2029, then campaign to replace them.

'At this point, I think I'd rather be the next leader of Hezbollah than the Tories,' she quipped, prompting a furious reaction from Hezbollah denying that the two organisations were in any way alike.

Image: WixAI