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Everything is a bit like Jesus, confirms parish priest



Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed.


In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed.


‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’


O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent.


‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘


Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.




First published 16 April 2022



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Match of the Day institutes “Dive of the month” competition



Long running football highlights show Match of the Day announced today that it’s supplementing its famous “Goal of the month” competition with another one to find the month’s best dive ie where a player convinces the referee he’s been fouled in order to win a penalty. 


“Scoring goals from open play is obviously an important part of football,” said presenter Mark Chapman today. “But increasingly so is the carefully crafted dive. It’s no easy matter to convince the ref you were genuinely trying to score when a defender cynically brought you down, especially these days when VAR should make it impossible to con match officials this way. “So we thought it was time to recognise the tremendous work done by certain individuals in this area.”


However, critics have pointed out that there can hardly be any suspense when it’s obvious Liverpool will win every month, the only question being which of their forwards spends the most time needlessly horizontal in the opposing box.


A trial run of the competition in January 2025 initially put Mohammed Salah marginally ahead of Cody Gakpo, Darwin Nuñez and Diogo Jota, until close examination of match footage revealed that on one occasion a defender genuinely did make contact with Salah, and he went down for a valid reason.


”I’d never have believed it,” said Chapman, “but if you slow the footage down, you can see it clearly. Shame - it would have been a contender for dive of the season.”




Everton Seeks to Establish 'European Suboptimal League'

In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’


It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’


The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’


 Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’


A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’


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