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It’s easy to run into debt, but you have to crawl out.


There’s no problem drinking like a fish, so long as you drink what fish drink.


My wife and I had absolutely nothing when we got started, and we’ve got most of it left.


The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult is was.


A fairy tale is a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.


A fool and his money are soon partying.


Ever notice, when finally you’ve got to a position where you’re holding all the cards, that everybody else is playing chess?


Who cares if the world is full of apathetic people?


Strive for adequate, settle for mediocre


If it is worth doing, someone else will eventually do it


Many a mickle makes too many mickles


He who laughs last misses the next gag


Out of the frying pan,five second rule


Hat tips to FlashArry and Deskpilot






The miracle weight loss pill, adopted by ordinary people as well as presenters on The View, has been credited with obliterating millions of tons of human fat since it hit the market this year. But the glories of feeling lighter for tens of thousands of people unable to afford the waiting time for gastric band surgery on the NHS have come at a cost. Side effects now include articles about the side effects.


'Every day for the last month,' reveals Spicer Kane, media analyst at Grange&Sh$w Anallipticals, there has been at least one new article about the side effects of taking Ozempic. 'This has led to an overall increase in anxiety about taking the drug and discouraged many more who would have taken it from doing so. As a result, these people are binge-eating to mask their fears.' In other words, Ozempic is causing a huge rise in obesity.


'For every weird-faced celeb in the Daily Mail boasting about being able to see their genitals for the first time, there are at least several people in Aldi stocking up on refined sugar baps. They read the articles about the side effects and reach for processed donut batter.' Side effects of taking the drug include no breakfast-induced hind shaking, dizziness at bus stops, and nearer proximity to death.


Newspapers up and down the land are taking apparent daily glee in covering Ozempic's side effects. Just yesterday, the Express reported on a man in Canterbury whose constipation caused him to yell 'shit!' during an opera, while the Mirror related the story of a woman whose kidney thought it was her heart and started drawing blood from her veins. Even the Telegraph, which for years ignored health and wellbeing stories as beneath its readership's higher interest, has a whole new section entitled, Ozempic Side Effects, with sub sections for Asia, Europe, the Americas, Ukraine, and Women.


Ozempic claim that the side effects of taking their product are being exaggerated by a food industry intent on the enfattification of mankind, 'especially Greggs.' 'If the articles do not cease', warned a company spokesperson, 'we will take steps to further research the product and decrease the number of known side effects, a result which could harm its takers' sense of the gains possible from embarking on a serious risk, thus decreasing the number of users and leading to an increase in obesity.'


Image: WixAI




1) Don't say 'Whites only', say 'Magnolia', everyone likes Magnolia.

2) Emphasize how clean your beaches are, ethnically clean.

3) Don't call it sterilization, call it sneaky birth control.

4) Accuse everyone else of racism, particularly those who keep dodging your bullets.

5) Buy your weapons from the US. They come with a warranty and are designed to target ethnic minorities.

6) Make sure your Ministers wear black. Embrace that 1940s Reich-look.

7) If you are going to do a genocide, make sure Michael Rapaport is on board. He is a great distraction. If you can't get him, any arsehole will do.

8) You may have to ignore the UN. That's okay - everyone else does.

9) Make funny videos. We all love funny videos. Even ones with dead babies.

10) Say God told you to do it. God has got your back on this. God is definitely some white dude.


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