LinkedIn can't keep up with Cabinet reshuffle

Said a flustered intern: 'Just when I've updated a new Education Secretary, they go and resign. ND it's the fifth Chancellor of the Exchequer we've had in the last hour'.

This flurry of job changes has caused panic among those responsible for organising insincere leaver's speeches. With most farewell cards starting 'Dear Minister, Sorry to see you go. Enjoy being unemployed/promoted/PM - delete as appropriate'.

Sources close to Boris say he has updated his employment status to 'circus clown' and 'part time sperm donor'. Meanwhile LinkedIn has listed all Ministerial jobs as zero-contract hours.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bedexpstock-6161331/

LinkedIn just wants to be LovedIn

Like a jilted lover in an 80s movie, LinkedIn has been standing outside the house of its ex, boom box above its head, begging her to come back after sending over 300 notification emails in a week.

Lapsed LinkedIn-er Rachel Rutherford said 'I did use LinkedIn when I was looking for a new job – 4 years ago. I don’t care if I’ve appeared in 10 searches this week or if a recruitment consultant I once met doubled his sales funnel by implementing a new business model inspired by white water rafting.'

A spokesbusinessperson for LinkedIn said ‘Wish social media could feel more like work? Update your profile and imply to your boss he can soon shove his job up his arse. 300 notifications per week is definitely not insecure or clingy.’ The spokesbusinessperson hugged a binder, then pointed at a graph.

Image: Pixabay/PhotoMIX-Company

EU eye Trans-Pacific trade deal enviously

The new deal announced today, filling a £68 billion drop in sales to the EU with a wholesome £1.7 billion deal involving mainly bananas, was described by Prime Minister Johnson 'exactly what we promised you - less money being spent on us, more airmiles to Johnny Foreigner places.'

The EU trade negotiators have quietly downloaded Lis Truss' CV from LinkedIn and are thought to be putting a hostile bid to snatch hew away from the British negotiating team as soon as possible. 'With skills like hers we can't afford to squander the opportunities she creates,' said an envious EU trade expert. 'She makes small gains look huge and huge losses appear as if they don't count. If only we had her negotiating skills on our team.

A spokesperson for Ms Truss insisted she wasn't going anywhere. 'I've seen her appraisal, popularity ratings and, crucially, her passport has been locked away in a drawer until she produces something - anything - remotely useful. Off the record, obvs,' he added.