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Smiffys to Release Existential Halloween Costumes for Those Suffering Quarter-Life Crises


Witches, skeletons, and ghosts may have been the stuff of nightmares when we were children, but for those entering young adulthood, the folk villains of yore seem to have lost their menacing edge.


That’s why this Halloween, Smiffys fancy dress has announced a new line of Halloween costumes aimed to embody the darkest fears of those aged 18-30.


‘Externalising all my abstract fears into a succinct, material expression of festivity is way better than putting on a stripy shirt and saying I’m Where’s Wally again,’ says Ray, aged 20, holding a beaker of vodka cranberry and donned in his new costume, “Intrusive Thoughts About Your Parents Dying”.


‘I was originally going to go as part of a group,’ Lacy tells us. ‘We were also going to go as slutty cats. Then after some introspection I learned that the thing that truly keeps me up at night is that one Margaret Atwood quote about how, under patriarchy, women will always be objectified, no matter what we do or wear. So I decided to go dressed as the “Inescapable Panopticon of the Male Gaze.” – it’s actually not so different to my slutty cat costume.’


Other costumes include: “Accidentally Committing Tax Fraud,” “Losing Your Deposit Because You Used Blu-Tac,” “Diagnosing Yourself With Severe Personality Disorders at 2am,” “Childhood Friend Getting Married,” and “Not Having a Savings Account.”


Woman convinced that just getting one more little treat will sort her life out



23-year-old Olivia Adams remains convinced that continuing to treat herself to “a little something” will radically transform her life and make everything fall into place.


‘I see something I like, and I build my identity from there up,’ Olivia tells us. ‘Every new top from Zara ushers in a new era of my life, a new paradigm for living.’


‘Hats were a thing for a while,’ Olivia’s best friend Emma recalls. ‘Hats reinvigorated her will to live for a few days, then she moved on to the next thing. She is a restless teenager, trying on different identities, hoping that it will lead to self-actualisation. Needless to say, she’s in major debt.’


Olivia’s bedroom is a graveyard of aborted microtrends. She was into tarot cards for a while, but they are gathering dust beside her crochet hooks and her dying house-plants. She’s redownloaded Duolingo, and now learning Hebrew will be her “thing".


‘I truly don’t believe there is a single problem in my life that can’t be sorted by buying a cute outfit, a £6 latte, and just walking around.’


As Olivia's bank account dwindles, her collection of "life-changing" items grows exponentially. Each new acquisition is hailed as the missing piece of her existential puzzle, the catalyst that will usher her into a life of fulfilment and accomplishment. "Just one more treat," she whispers to herself, with an almost religious fervour, as she hands over her hard-earned money.

Woman suspicious of Greek Chorus following her



Katie Clemson (37) has voiced concern about being stalked by a large collection of masked dancers wearing togas. 'I admit I've made one or two dubious life decisions, but does it really warrant twenty eight stanzas on why I should grow my fringe back?'


The Chorus appeared shortly after Katie had made her New Year's resolutions: 'They'd make all these snide comments about how I'd never finish dry January or fit back into my skinny jeans. They trashed talked my job, my love life, then even tutted everytime I forgot to take out the bins.'


Katie was adamant she had nothing to apologise for and she refused to get drawn into the Chorus' criticism of her choice of curtains. 'Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a mother to murder and a father to marry.'


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