Meghan’s new cookery show teaches you how to Photoshop a lentil

The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’

Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.

In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.

Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.

At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge. 

Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'

Picture credit: deskpilot

The lazy man’s guide to Middle East diplomacy

You know when you’re a political leader, or senior Government figure, and the Middle East kicks off yet again, how do you diplomatically approach the situation without busting a gut. It’s always useful to know a few lazy hacks. (see Tabloid Journalists)

Shuttle Diplomacy

Began in the early 1970s with Henry Kissinger, who, it is said, got the idea after a to and fro game of badminton. The latest exponent of this dexterous art is Anthony Blinken you’ll miss him. Essentially fly to one region, spend as little time as possible in talks with the stakeholder (see Platitudes and Buzz Words) as you can get away with, then fly to the next region, rinse and repeat. (Tip: Try and include the UAE. That Duty Free at Dubai is really something.) By the time you’ve done this several times you will receive enormous plaudits for your efforts, and, as a bonus, have substantially built up your air miles.

Direct Communication

If you do have to speak to any of the warring factions directly by phone, keep the conversation to family or the weather and don’t mention the war. If it looks as though you may be called upon for direct support rustle a paper bag, apologise and tell them they’re breaking up.

Platitudes and Buzz Words

Much of the diplomatic dark arts revolves around talking a lot but saying very little so as not to offend. There are certain words and phrases that are mandatory for this to work. Calling for a ceasefire is a sure fire winner. You sound like a peace maker and the risk of upset to any of the combatants is minimal. Mention a two state solution. Doesn’t matter if you haven’t got the faintest idea how that might be accomplished, just say it. You will also need some variation of ‘I call on all sides pull back from the brink’ in your arsenal. (Tip: You could also try ‘we are exhausting all avenues’ but that may just sound like you’re just driving around Paris)

Wringing Your Hands

This is the ultimate fallback diplomatic move. Not to be confused with Washing Your Hands (see Covid 19) You are showing concern and anxiety about the current situation but, having done so, you can then sit on your hands and put your feet up.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Smug bastard cycles to work

Employees at a firm in London express their outrage as their smug bastard colleague cycles to work for the third time this week.

Fifty-two-year-old Chris Davis favours arriving at the office sinewy, weather-beaten and lycra-clad for the sole purpose of making everyone feel bad about themselves, the employees speculate. Sheeted in sweat, Chris appears at the office entrance doing high-knees to stop his heart rate from falling, before clapping his hands together and yelling "Who’s pumped!" at his sluggish subordinates.

'He walks around with the bravado and flush of someone who’s just got laid,' data analyst John comments. 'He does his lunges in the office kitchen, still out of breath, with the sated, self-satisfied look of a uni student swaggering to the communal fridge in his underwear. I’m almost expecting a woman in a bathrobe to follow behind and urge him to come back to bed.'

'He asks me how my morning has been, but it’s just a ploy so he can talk about his,' Kate explains. ' "What were you doing at 5:30 this morning?" he asks, knowing full well that I was asleep with last night’s makeup forming a flaky crust on my face. He then goes on to tell me how he was up doing his tantric breathing exercises and welcoming the sunrise. He uses a different adjective to describe the sunrise everyday. This morning it was "transcendent."'

Chris’s irritating lifestyle choices have also extended to his eating habits. 'How has this somehow become my problem?' secretary Ella laments, describing how Chris joylessly raises his blood sugar with a banana at 9am, before conspicuously eating nothing until a protein bar at 12. Ella describes being held verbally hostage as he regurgitates an article he read on metabolism last night, urging her to take up Pilates to "become her best self".'

'He's handling the divorce about as well as you would expect.'

Image: Gonzalo Facello (@gonchifacello) | Unsplash Photo Community