No one left to replace Ed Davey as Lib Dem leader

A move to demand the resignation of Sir Ed Davey as leader of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that he was postal affairs minister for two years during the Horizon/subpostmasters scandal, has foundered on the realisation that there’s literally no one to replace him.

”It’s true,” admitted a Lib Dem spokesman. “Every Lib Dem you’ve ever heard of has already been leader of the party. There’s just no one left.

”We thought for a moment about that smiley woman who’s MP for Brighton, Caroline something... but then someone remembered she’s actually in the Green Party. I always get them confused with us.”

The spokesman was asked whether he wouldn’t fancy giving the leadership a go himself, but it turned out he was Tim Farron, who’d already been party leader from 2015-17. (The reporter later commented “No wonder I didn’t recognise him.”)

This left no one to ask but the lady who works in the canteen, who looked awkward for a moment, then said “Look, I’m more than happy to work here, but to be honest I’ve always voted Labour. Now stop bothering me, or I’ll never get these vegan quiches finished in time.”

image from pixabay

Date of Christmas to be moved to July says 'Common Sense Tsarina'

Esther McVey has announced she will be putting a Bill before Parliament to revoke the date of Christmas week from December to July.

"It makes sense", she declared. "Why hold a festival during the darkest time of the year. The kids will be off school anyway; so no problems there. The weather has a better chance of being fine and they can play outside on their new bikes. People could even have barbecues just like they do in Australia".

A Lib Dem spokesperson commented, "Doesn't make we'll still have travel chaos".

When asked for comment, Keir Starmer's office responded that he was a tad busy at the moment because he was having a long poo and didn't want to be disturbed.

Image: Awesomecontent | Freepik

"Wow! Thanks, Keir", say LibDems