The Peacock of Poppycock duplicates his duplicity

Boris Johnson was recently embarrassed by repeating the same lie in Parliament when he could have been telling a new lie.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Lies are to Boris like Princess Diana is to the Daily Express. The PM was annoyed by the duplicated duplicity as he usually considers himself an innovator of untruths, the Michelangelo of mendacity, the doyenne of deceit and dissembling.'

'We've just run short of things to lie about. Everything he says, even personal stuff - how many kids he has, how many wives receiving chemotherapy he's cheated on, even his first name is a lie. To cheer him up, we reminded him he's a one man Fibbing, Fabrications & Falsehood Factory, the Prince of Porky Pies, the Peacock of Poppycock. He suggested a massive party to commiserate or celebrate as long as we kept it on the D/L, so don't say anything.'

Johnson will give an identical answer to every question he's asked going forward

In a move to rebuild Boris Johnson's reputation from being a barefaced liar into a loveable rogue, his team has said it is implementing Operation Smirk.

An aide explained the thinking behind the plan: 'The PM has had a long history of making himself look like an absolute lying bastard to further his selfish agenda. Right from Partygate, Brexit Bus and countless other stuff, like his claims that energy bills will reduce once we leave the EU.

'This is messing up our attempts to cast him in the role of latter-day Churchillian statesman. Therefore and henceforth, he will answer every question he's asked by the media with the same response, irrespective of the issue.

'So, for example, Laura Kuenssberg might say, "PM, you said that you weren't at any work parties during lockdown, but there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. What have you got to say?"

'Mr Johnson will give the new standard reply in much the same way he does for every first PMQs question: 'Look, Laura, (or insert name), there's no evidence of that, I wasn't there, and anyway, I'm not Boris Johnson, and this is not America. I'm not in love, so don't forget it.'

'He will then do that irritating half-smile half-smirk, you know that caught out naughty schoolboy one he does, yes, that's the one where you'd like to smack him in the mouth with a house brick.

'We've thoroughly focus-grouped it, and results show this strategy will see him a shoo-in for a second term by a landslide.'

MP comes out as habitual liar

A senior MP has spoken of his habitual lying tendency today, asking for 'understanding' and 'compassion' in what appears to be a life-long problem.

'I - er - piffle - have led a life of self-deceit for - er -years, convincing myself - nay everybody - that I'm telling the truth but, alas, it is all a lie. I want to come out and let the world know that anything that comes out of these two lips are lies,' he added. Asked if he was telling the truth the MP smiled, ran his hands through permanently tousled hair and confirmed that everything he had just said was 'absolutely the truth'.

'You can trust me, I wouldn't lie,' he added. 'And if you vote for me I'll cut taxes, just as I always have.'