Patriot hits 'raging boner' on the Anderson Angry Scale

A politician with less loyalty to Britain than a queen-fibbing Rees-Mogg has falsely whipped himself up into such a fury that he has exceeded "Vivid Vexation".

Director of Faux Outrage Management at the Institute of Irritation, Andrew Suddenly, confirmed, 'Our sensitive instrumentation recorded several pre-shocks. We knew it was going to be a big blow, so we braced ourselves. But what came next surpassed all previous levels of tetchiness.

'The needle flew past Wretched Wrath, and topped out at Raging Boner. Our expertly designed Anderson Angry Scale has never seen the likes of this before. It may need Reform.'

'If someone tells this moron that his glorious English flag is actually pinched from a Turk, then we'll have to invent a whole new level of cross.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

SNP eyeing up Ashfield

In the run up to the next election the Scottish Nationalist Party is considering its first constituency South of the Border.  'Lee Anderson has many of the attributes we admire,' said a SNP spokesperson, 'not least his commitment to being frugal.  Anyone who advocates making meals for thirty pence wins the Scottish vote.'

Anderson, who has managed to represent Labour at council level (before being kicked out), Conservative (before being suspended pending being kicked out) and most recently Reform UK, which is a limited company, not a political party and is likely to sink under the weight of its leader Richard Tice's ego, is seen as a prime candidate for the SNP.  'We will provide a home for Anderson in our party, he can talk for displaced Scots who live outside of Scotland.  He says he wants his country back - so do we.  He says the country has had enough - he's read our minds, if not our pamplets.  There is a symbiotic relationship to be made there,' added the spokesperson.

A representative for Anderson reported he had responded by saying 'ye can foook off', which pleased the SNP no end.  'He even sounds like us, at least in print,' they claimed.

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Bureau of Missing Countries set up

With Lee Anderson becoming the latest politician declaring he wants to "get his country back", it has been decided to set up a Bureau of Missing Countries to investigate exactly where all these elusive nations might have got to.

As the BMC's first client, Anderson was asked if he could describe the missing country. He confirmed that all the men had a "short back and sides" haircut, pop music had "proper tunes", people always stood for the national anthem, the air smelled permanently of Bisto, teenagers showed the proper respect, public services were well-funded despite taxes being low, there were no vegetarians to disrupt the traditional Sunday lunch with their "silly fads", and of course everyone was white.

Asked when he last saw this country, he said he'd briefly glimpsed it a few Sundays ago after lunch, while dozing in front of Miss Marple on the telly.

The bureau replied that they weren't sure this country had ever existed, but reassured him they'd certainly keep an eye out for it, and asked him which golf club bar he'd be propping up if they had any news.

In response to several enquires, they said they unfortunately couldn't help anyone who wanted to make their country great again, beyond suggesting that dropping everything else in their political programme might be a good start.

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