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In a new development in the leadership contest, both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak have made claims that they 'identify' with the poor people who they expect to vote the Conservatives back in as an indication of servitude in two years time.
A spokesperson for Ms Truss claimed Liz had a tattoo on each breast, one of Donald Trump's face, the other of Boris Johnson's. 'It's true, she popped into one of those common tattoo parlours when she was at a hustings in the North East,' enthused the spokesperson. 'She has their noses where her nipples are and she gets really turned on when either or both lie,' she added with a saucy wink. She confirmed Boris was tattooed on the right breast and Trump on the far right, naturally. She also suggested Ms Truss had previously had David Cameron's face tattooed on her butt, but wouldn't elaborate where his mouth was located.
Not to be outdone, Mr Sunak's spokesperson claimed the former Chancellor had a 3D barcode tattooed on his right shoulder. When scanned it brought up his Green card number and IRS Social Security number 'to save time at security'.
Conservative party members, journalists and anyone else with insomnia are bracing for the more controversial element of the leadership contest. Both contestants have failed the 'how will you solve the cost of living crisis' round by promising 'world peace (only kidding), fewer taxes and better breaks for energy companies', and now are heading for the swimsuit round. They will be compared against each other bodily, because comparing their relative intelligence would be a complete waste of effort and a shameful misapplication of microscopes.
One of the contestants has promised to wear a 'very skimpy mankini' for the contest, while the former Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to roll up in a top end designer knitwear full-body swimsuit. 'He said he'd roll up the sleeves to reveal his elbows,' promised an aide. Liz Truss' supporters claim she will ride bare-chested onto the stage on a white horse with a Kalashnikov across her back. 'No idea where she thought that one up,' said an aide, 'but it shows Liz is the most innovate, original thinking candidate in the race.'
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