Compensation for spurious compensation claims

A man was today encouraged to claim compensation for having once been lured into making a spurious compensation claim.

Colin Sawdust of Oswestry bought his Toyota Yaris using a finance provider suggested by the car dealer.

'To be honest, I was perfectly happy with the service. The interest rate was reasonable, and didn’t suddenly go up after a year like they sometimes do.

'Then one day I saw an online ad mentioning the name of the finance company, saying I was in some way a victim and deserved compensation which could run into thousands. Enough to buy the latest model Yaris, in fact.'

Thus began a frustrating process of filling in forms and digging out old paperwork and bank statements, lasting several months, until it turned out the company hadn’t done anything wrong so he didn’t get a penny.

'It left me feeling annoyed at the pointless waste of my time,' said Sawdust. 'So naturally I was intrigued by this ad suggesting I deserve compensation for this. Now I just have to track down the original agreement I signed, and… bloody hell, I’ve done it again, haven’t I?'

Meanwhile a number of finance companies complained about the amount of their time wasted by greedy lawyers preying on the gullible, prompting one of the lawyers to offer to get them compensation on a no-win, no-fee basis.

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay

God's architect wins award

Following the Pope’s announcement that Antoni Gaudí - better known as God’s architect - had been declared Venerable, the Vatican says it intends to hold annual award ceremonies declaring God’s favourites across a range of jobs and professions.

The awards will see accountants, bankers, lawyers and others vying to be God's chosen one, first in their own profession and then to go on to win the overall title of God's favourite human. The Vatican hopes that the awards will outstrip the Oscars and the Golden Globes in popularity,

The Archbishop of Milan told reporters that almost everyone that knows anything about football will already know that AC Milan were chosen many years ago by the supreme being as his favourite football team. How else would you explain that they are still going strong, despite the countless charges of bribery and corruption against them. That, without doubt, is proof of divine intervention.

Pope watchers in the Vatican have said with their experience in money laundering, having people disappeared, and their already close ties with the Vatican, it’s very hard to look past one of the big Italian banks for God’s favourite Banker. Given Jesus’s barely disguised support of the wealthy, give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, an Italian Bankers win seems nailed on.

The British press are anxious that there should be plenty of UK interest in the awards and are asking readers to put forward possible candidates for nomination, which they will pass onto to the Archbishop of Westminster. To date, some names offered by Daily Mail readers are, Enoch Powell (favourite politician), Queen Elizabeth II (God's favourite horse breeder) and Tommy Cooper (favourite comedian in a fez). Just looking at Tommy would make God crease up, said Malcolm from Berkshire.

Image by Almeida from Pixabay

Starmer increases defence spending to resurrect Clive Dunn

In a surprise announcement on Tuesday afternoon, Sir Keir Starmer announced a defence budget increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2027. Critics have argued, however, that even with this increase Britain’s armed forces are still woefully inadequate.

Sir Keir commenting on the criticism said, “I know some people have said the increase in the defence budget is not going to be enough but let me tell you, I would like to see the look on Putin’s soldiers faces when they see our armed forces coming at them armed with a sharp stick that could have someone’s eye out, a strongly worded lawyers letter, or a bold stare.”

He went on “The US might have the defence budget to create genetically modified elite soldiers, but we will have enough money to genetically resurrect Clive Dunn. Just think, if Russian armour pours into a Ukraine they will have to contend with Jones’s butcher’s van. I know which side I’d rather be on.”

image from pixabay

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