What is a dictatorship?

Wikipedia says (and this is a direct quote)...

'Dictatorships are often characterised by some of the following: 

• suspension of elections and civil liberties; 

• proclamation of a state of emergency;

• rule by decree;

• repression of political opponents;

• not abiding by the procedures of the rule of law; and

• the existence of a cult of personality centered on the leader.'

Does this remind you of anyone/anywhere?

We suggest adding a seventh test - declaring that all accusations that you are a dictator are 'fake news'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Stevie Wonder’s part-time lover wins equal rights

A part-time lover of Stevie Wonder was celebrating today after a court ruled she was entitled to equal treatment with the singer’s first wife.

Mandy Myers, a regular lover of Wonder during the height of his fame in the 1980s, argued that she had been denied a range of benefits enjoyed by his wife, including a shared house and basic levels of interaction and respect.

‘The facts of this case are well-known, through the surprisingly open statement made by Wonder about his extra-marital arrangements on his groundbreaking Square Circle album in 1985,’ noted the judge in the case.

‘Miss Myers always had to play second fiddle. After a seemingly pleasant evening of lovemaking, Wonder would regularly sit bolt upright and screech at her to leave his house, saying only, ‘Call up, ring once, and hang up the phone, to let me know you made it home,’ noted the judge. ‘Amazing vocal range, but he needs to work on his bedside manner.’

In court, the jury heard 10 instances of the singer referring to Miss Myers as his ‘part-time lover’ as the 7 inch version of the song was played to the court, but they were mercifully spared the 36 mentions on the extended 12-inch version.

Under the terms of the settlement, Wonder will be obliged to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ each year to Myers. He must also tell her regularly that She is The Sunshine of His Life, and will be required to call her up spontaneously, To Say That He Loves Her, and that he Means it From the Bottom of his Heart.

‘I’m delighted to be able to bring justice here,’ reported the Judge to assembled media. ‘All that remains is for me to add my name to the verdict, put it in an envelope, take it across to the courthouse office, and make myself available for any other similar cases. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. I’m Yours.’

Image: Pixabay/succo

First published 16 Feb 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Judges urged to leave out the 'preachy bit'

Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton was about to pass sentence in the case of a particularly heinous murder when he was crestfallen to receive a memo from the Law Society, calling on judges to leave out the 'preachy, self-righteous bit' to save time.

'The Criminal Justice system is hopelessly backed up, and we’re very conscious that justice delayed is justice denied,' ran the memo. 'Obviously we need to give barristers sufficient time to present evidence, cross-examine witnesses and so forth. And the jury must of course be allowed all the time they need to reach a fair verdict.'

The memo concludes that the only area in which they can legitimately look for time savings is the self-indulgent speeches judges make. The new guidelines call for them simply to pass sentence on the defendant 'without getting all Mills and Boon about it.'

'It’s such a pity,” said Bufton-Tufton. 'I’d written an absolute corker for this case. 'You seem a particularly cold-hearted and callous individual… the innocent young life you took… the broken hearts of her loved ones… the hole in their lives that will never be filled…’. Would have had the jury in tears, I guarantee it.

'And now they want me just to say ‘You will go to prison for 15 years.’ I mean, where’s the passion? Where’s the drama? Makes me wonder why I bothered becoming a judge in the first place.

“Thank god I still have my second job writing romantic fiction under the name Evangeline Devereaux… hang on, you’re not going to print that bit, are you?'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - hilarious)