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Now that the GB News gig may be up, self-styled 'man' and confirmed 'bellend' Laurence Fox is angling to be appointed the manager of the Spanish women’s football team. After all, what that team really needs is the unwanted attentions of a man.


Fox is thought to know little about football and definitely nothing about women, so he is likely to select the 11 Spanish players that 'any self-respecting man would climb into bed with'. It’s not yet clear if he will include any of Spain’s current World Cup winning squad or even if he will field a goalkeeper.


A spokesgammon for Fox bellowed 'Cruyff’s total football requires any player to play in any position. So does Lozza’s - any position in bed with a self-respecting man that is. Oi oi!'


'Surely Billie Piper will take him back now?'




The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’

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