CPS to target moderate posts

Following a week of 24-hour prosecutions for inciting violence online, for setting fire to wheelie bins then jumping headfirst and for intercepting bricks with the head and gonads the Crown Prosecution Service is changing its focus.

'We believe we need to show a balanced approach to this situation,' said a spokesman today, 'which is why we're not pursuing Nigel Farage, Richard Tice and Laurence Fox but instead targeting some of the more moderate posts regarding this outbreak of anti-social behaviour,' he added.

As a result, 23-year-old Stacy from Hexham is in front of magistrates tomorrow for posting 'you OK hun?' on Twitter. 'Absolutely pitched to garner a pile-on of similar platitudes,' explained the spokesman. He also identified Jason from Northallerton who has been seen on social media helping with the clean-up following recent riots near his home. 'It's a volatile situation and do-gooders like this are likely to inflame the situation. Likely to be custodial sentence for that one,' he added.

About two thousand fire-fighters are nervously waiting to see if they're next for the knock from the Old Bill.

Image: Newsbiscuit

Laurence Fox hunting to be banned

The public has been urged to desist from mocking Britain's favourite upper-class twit. So humiliated has the buffoon become, he has been forced to hide on GB News with all the other vermin.

Traditionally led by a Piper, packs of online hunters would chase Fox all over cyberspace. Once cornered he would be reduced to a meme and devoured by press hounds.

Said the RSPCA: 'He's too easy a target. He's just a dumb animal.'

Image: Tj Holowaychuk (@tjholowaychuk) | Unsplash Photo Community

Laurence Fox ‘could have been King’ if not for racist slurs

Former actor Laurence Fox is widely believed to have been on track to be the next Batman, to win a Nobel Prize and to be crowned King of England until some people accused him of racism online.

‘The Nobel Committee were on the phone every other day’, a fan told NewsBiscuit. ‘And then Queen Elizabeth died. Not widely known, but she thought Laurence should have had the throne. She was a big fan of “Lewis”, you see. The Batman role would have been perfect for him – he can actually fly, which would have saved quite a bit on CGI’.

Fox is a working-class lad from Harrow (school) who went into the family business much in the manner of boy miners or chimney sweeps, except that his family business is acting.

Fox stunned professional scientists during lockdown by demonstrating that an uneducated man can do his own research on social media much faster than a PhD with a lab and some integrity. It isn’t clear whether he was in line for the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine – which was, instead, awarded to Katalin Karikó and Drew Weissman for developing mRNA vaccines against COVID-19 – or if they were going to give him all the Nobel Prizes as a job lot.

All of this stopped when those people used the R word.

A lesser actor will now be hired to play Batman, which will be as much a loss to the arts as it will to Fox’s bank balance. We can only hope that his genius is eventually recognised.

image from pixabay