A change of diet

Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.

Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".

Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.

Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.

A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.

In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.

More misery for Johnson as Larry the Cat resigns from Cabinet

It has been a bad week for the PM following multiple resignations by senior chief of staff and communications officers at Downing Street. But the crisis was made even worse overnight by the resignation of one of Boris Johnsons most loyal and trusted allies….Larry the cat.

Larry has not only been a confidant and close friend of the Prime Minister throughout his two years in office but has helped shape policy and influence decision making regarding Brexit, Covid and the economy. But Larry told reporters that he had been appalled by recent comments made by the PM it was now time to go.

‘Like countless others before me I often shared a bed with Boris….so I got to know what really motivates him and makes him tick….believe me, it is not pleasant.

'He loves to be adored and pampered and fussed over. …I couldn’t get a look in. We cats are known for being able to pleasure our own arse as part of our grooming regime….but we can’t hold a candle to the obsequious Tory sycophants and unctuous enablers who still support this lying, mendacious clown ….slavering over his gaping sphincter and mopping up his excess bowel movements like it was manna from heaven.

'Well…enough is enough. I am one of the few remaining at Number 10 who can leave with their head held high and dignity still intact….even though I have just shit in Nadine Dorries handbag and left a fur ball in Rishi Sunaks jar of Brylcreem.

I have now emptied my litter in-tray and taken my last shit in the rose garden.

And if Carrie is wondering who scratched the fuck out of that tawdry wallpaper.........'

Image: cocoparisienne | Pixabay