Labour settles on campaign song

Labour to Nationalise the Tooth Fairy

With the General Election clearly under Starmers Orders, the main political parties (as well as the Conservatives and Reform UK) are beginning to set out their stalls. Labour have decided that the Tooth Fairy needs to be brought under State control.  'There's no common standard value placed on teeth across the country, with some of the poorer areas limited to replacing displaced milk teeth with a fifty pence piece, while in the Home counties a milk molar left under the pillow is likely to result in a trust fund or crypto shares being left.  There is a real risk that there will be an inflationary impact if the Tooth Fairy rates aren't brought under State Control,' said a Labour spokesman today.

Under the manifesto proposal the Tooth Fairy will be controlled by the government and tooth compensation rates will be nationally agreed by the milk tooth marketing board.  Parents will be able to claim Tooth Fairy payments on receipt of milk teeth, which will be stored in a vault and will be used as a basis for Sterling in lieu of gold.  Parents will be required to provide the government with all milk teeth as they are lost, and agents working for the milk tooth marketing board are to be given powers to enter homes and search mothers' bedside tables for envelopes containing teeth.  

There were other manifesto proposals, but it was agreed that they were just crazy.

image from pixabay

Labour will allow every house to have a name, rather than a number

“Aspirational politics is the way to win elections” a top Labour advisor told Newsbiscuit, as he outlined the nature the next election campaign will take.

“Everyone wants to get on; and they want their children to get on too. That why in so many walks of life, there is a ladder to climb. In education, it’s about getting the next qualification. In the army, there’s another stripe to win. With the lottery, few people want to guess just two correct numbers, when there’s six winning numbers to be had.

We believe that being able to name your home shouldn’t just be the preserve of the well to do, whilst the working class have to make do with a house number. Everyone should be able to give their home a name. It’s what people have been telling us on their doorsteps; and we believe it’s time we delivered on that.”

Newsbiscuit knocked on a few doors to get feedback from the public over whether the idea would win their vote and received mixed responses ranging from “You got me out of the bath to ask that?” and “I’ve just got the baby off to sleep and now you’ve set the sodding dog off barking, so eff off and leave us be.”

Political pundits however paint a more upbeat picture of the initiative and say that the plan will encourage creativity and erudition as neighbour look to outdo each other with Latin phrases and literary references.

We asked a homeless man sleeping in a shop doorway what he would name his home if he was ever lucky enough to have one and after some thought he said “Dunroamin sounds nice.”