'Thiiiings.... can only get wooorse' - Starmer requests D:Ream re-write

Merchant of gloom and man voted most likely to be mistaken for his own waxwork, Keir Starmer has requested that D:Ream's upbeat anthem, adopted by New Labour in 1997, have its lyrics tweaked to reflect the fiscal reality of 2024. 

Labour intern Jodie Johnston said 'The Tories lied so much that Labour are implementing Tory austerity policies in order to un-fuck the budget. That's instead of the Tories implementing Tory austerity policies, in order to fuck poor people. I'm so glad Labour won the election.' 

'Anyway, Keir is very sad about it, which is a human emotion, because he is definitely a human. He was talking a lot about the Tannhauser Gate and tears in the rain, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.' 

New Austerity is going to be so much cooler than old Austerity

The Chancellor reassured the nation that her reboot of the George Osborne franchise will be sexier than ever and that her gruel will be thinner than all the rest. Said one Labour voter: 'This is exactly what I voted for. Tory policies but with a Brit Pop soundtrack.'

Her aide explained: 'We'll put a cap on luxury goods. Not yachts. Children. And it's about time people started to pay their taxes. The billionaires? Gosh, no! I mean those disabled pensioners – hoarding all their wealth by not switching the heating on and rolling around in their gold-plated wheel chairs.

'We can only grow the economy by beating it round the the head with a baseball bat and then setting fire to it. There are no free lunches – unless you're a banker- people need tough love, fiscal discipline and rickets. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Except we forget the sugar and the spoon is a fist. Open wide!'

Image; pixabay/paulbloch

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir, dear Keir,

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir, a hole.

Then mend it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

Then mend it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, mend it.

With what shall I mend it, dear Keir, dear Keir?

With what shall I mend it, dear Keir, with what?

With taxation, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

With taxation, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, taxation.

There's nothing left to tax, dear Keir, dear Keir,

There's nothing left to tax, dear Keir, nothing left.

Then grow the economy, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

Then grow the economy, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, grow the economy.

With what shall I grow the economy, dear Keir, dear Keir?

With what shall I grow the economy, dear Keir, with what?

With infrastructure spending, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

With infrastructure spending, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, infrastructure spending.

Spending needs money, dear Keir, dear Keir,

Spending needs money, dear Keir, needs money.

Then budget for it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

Then budget for it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, budget for it.

But there's a hole in my budget dear Keir, dear Keir,

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir, a hole

Image: Pixabay/Mohamed_Hassan