First rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don't talk about Labour Party Conference

Someone found out there was a thing called a Labour Party Conference taking place. But it was completely accidental and only when their usual Brighton hotel shagpit was double booked as a storage room for sixty boxes of hard-hitting misspelled leaflets.

Hot on the case of what this mysterious event was all about, we sent an undercover investigative journalist to infiltrate the conference. Using a secret code developed at Luton College of Strings and Things, this report was filed hidden in a series of beautifully crafted but highly inedible angel cakes. Many Bothans completely survived unscathed to bring us this information:

Apparently, the first rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don't talk about Labour Party Conference. The second rule of Labour Party Conference is that it's probably OK to talk about Labour Party Conference because most people zone out the moment they hear the word Labour. The third rule of Labour Party Conference is that you wedge an axe through the handles of the double doors, and ignore the very existence of the general voting public outside and everything they think.

It appears to be profoundly important that Labour people have this massive pointless slagging match, until there is just one husk of a person left standing. It is then the job of that one bedraggled person to oppose government, get the last feeble Labour message out to the entire UK public, and somehow convince voters that Labour still exist as a political entity come the next election.

But rather than use their last remaining energy to hold the Conservative Party to account, the eighty third rule of Labour Party Conference is that the last person standing has to argue against themselves about whether they should argue against themselves.

On the face of it, it seems like an awful lot of effort for no gain whatsoever. But leading left wing strategists have strokeybeard hypothesised that this might be an extremely clever way of absolutely ensuring that the Labour Party always takes an insignificant position on anything voters might be interested in.

Whatever you do, don't tell anyone this. Or do. Makes no odds either way.

Image: Unsplash/Kristina Flour

Clerical error leads to Labour Party suspending ‘disbelief’

Having suspended thousands of party members, many in error, the Labour Party has targeted the abstract concept of ‘Disbelief’. This means being banned from the annual conference, despite other attendees including Boredom, Hypocrisy and Dumbf$ckery.

Unconfirmed reports that even suspenders have been suspended; said one member: ‘We have had to remove a set of bright red bracers for their support of trousers and of Palestinian rights’.

Party leaders have worked out that their best route to electoral success, is getting rid of all the membership, polices and the whiff of democracy. Said one executive: ‘And if only we can work out a way to ban all the voters as well…’

Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United

In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’

Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.

A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister - deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.

Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.

However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’