Labour leader calls for resignation of 1980s amorous TV milkman

According to an insider, Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has called for the resignation of 1980s' sitcom milkman, Dave Deacon of Dawson's Dairy.

Our reporter was told, “Dawson's lifestyle and cheeky disposition are not compatible with the current thinking and culture of the Labour Party and his attitude towards women goes totally against the moral values of the party. His behaviour is often disgracefully sexist and needs to stay in the past where it belongs.”

Tory MP, Sir Colin Bottletop, said “Starmer's opinion is, as usual, misinformed nonsense and that, if anything, Dave Deacon is a role model for young people today. He encourages the recycling of glass bottles, drives an electric milk float and is extremely community minded, often visiting lonely, young women in the community.”

Mr Deacon, football mad, womanising, lead character in the ITV series Bottle Boys, played by Robin Askwith, was unfortunately unavailable for comment.

Image: Pixabay/jag2020

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‘I’m definitely honest – trust me on that,’ says Starmer with a cheeky wink.

Having gone on TV to explain that he would ditch any promise he made, in order to get elected, voters might be forgiven for thinking that Sir Keir has only a passing relationship with the truth.

Delegates at the recent Labour conference were offput by the sight of Sir Keir making further pledges, with his fingers crossed. Said one delegate: ‘I don’t know who to trust? He says his name is Keir, but everyone else calls him Keith’.

Promising McDonalds’ workers £15 an hour, than instructing Andy McDonald to forbid it, was confusing - partly because of the broken commitment but mainly because everyone in the story was called McDonald.

A psychologist explained: ‘The odd thing is that no one asks him to make these pledges in the first place, he just seems to like breaking them – it’s sort of kinky. It’s like cheating on your spouse at the dinner table. He seems to get a thrill from being caught’.

An aide defended the beleaguered leader: ‘Keir is as honest as the day is long. Which is why Labour is proposing to help workers, with a new one-hour week’.

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Panicked Kier Starmer stockpiling Labour members

Sir Kier Starmer is stockpiling Labour members after fears of a leadership shortage in the party.

Reports of a lack of leadership in the party have circulated for a couple of years, but the shortage is said to have reached crisis point, with sources suggesting that the Labour leader has turned to storing his own supplies in a large venue in Brighton.

However, sceptics have suggested that the crisis is manufactured. “In fact, there is plenty of leadership in the Labour Party", said one insider. "Leaders of the hard left faction, the moderate left faction, the centrist faction, the neo-Blairite faction, Momentum, the moderate right faction and loads of trade union leaders."

“People also talk about there being a shortage of an effective opposition at the moment and that is nonsense as well,” the party insider added. “Most of these factions oppose each other – in fact, many of them actually oppose Sir Kier’s leadership”.

The news comes as a blow, on the back of widely publicised shortages of policies within the Labour Party. Whilst many brilliant, revolutionary policies are reported to exist, they frustratingly remain sealed and locked securely in air-tight containers, stacked up in a far-distant warehouse in La-La Land.

"It's all about blockages in the supply chain", said one insider. " Policies keep getting stuck in the party bureaucratic machinery, and there's no-one competent enough to present them to to an enraptured public at conference anyway, in order for us to inevitably complete a massive landslide victory in the next general election".

Political experts urged members of the public to remain calm, and that they expect the supply of Labour members around the UK and policies to normalise somewhat over the coming days, as Starmer’s leadership continues to stagger slowly along.

StanleyMizaru and Titus