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Updated: Jan 1, 2022
The government has scrapped the HS2 high-speed rail line and intends to replace it with a network of water slides. The Prime Minister announced that this would mean faster travel times between all major UK towns and cities at least 5 years earlier than planned. Travellers will be provided with towels at former railway stations and there will be vending machines providing commuters with goggles, hot drinks, Frazzles, and those rubber socks for in case you catch a verruca.
Labour has accused the Government of reneging on their election promises but a Minister for the Department Transport told us Labour were just jealous. “Our water slides will be environmentally friendly, compared to other means of transport, and many jobs will be created in water proof ticket sales and employing people with big rubber-tipped sticks to stop any fatties getting stuck in the pipes and clogging the system.”
During PMQs, Mr Johnson refused to comment on rumours that the East Midlands-Leeds high-speed line would not be upgraded to water slides but will be just a regular log flume built on the current railway lines.
Updated: Nov 28, 2021
The Labour Party has expressed outrage that Stanley Johnson, father of the Prime Minister, has been awarded a contract to head up research into how far apples fall from trees.
'It's a travesty and a complete waste of public money,' said a Labour spokesman today, 'because we all know the distance an apple can fall is strictly limited by the tree height, the acceleration due to gravity and the frictional coefficient of grass. Newton could have answered this question in the Seventeenth Century, and Johnson senior could have asked him himself had he gone to the right schools.'
Other objectors think the physics angle is the wrong issue. 'It's not about the science, it's about the lack of opportunity for others better qualified to apply,' said a Lib Dem spokesman. 'There was no job advert, no interview and no attempt to set an appropriate wage for the job,' he said.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister's father disagreed with all the complaints. 'Mr Johnson is too busy to respond directly as he needs to ensure he has suitable administrative support. He's sleeping with a couple of applicants this afternoon and if the blue pill works he'll be sleeping with a couple more this evening before making his decision,' he said.
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