Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy

Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.

Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'

Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.

Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.

Voters warn Labour it will be punished if strikes go ahead

Voters have indicated that if the Labour Party 'doesn't get off its arse' and sort out the wave of industrial action, then it will suffer at the ballot box.

'I'll be voting against Labour in Wakefield, if I can get there,' said one disgruntled voter, while admitting that if he could get there it would suggest the strike was off and 'Labour therefore had pulled its bloody finger out.'

Voters are disgusted that Labour haven't sorted out the NHS, education sector or steel industry either. 'What are they playing at?' asked one voter in Tiverton. 'If they don't shape up then I'll vote for the Lib Dems - at least they are a proper opposition party and not in power.'

Most voters now believe that Sir Keir Starmer should have sacked Boris Johnson months ago. 'It's inhumane the way he keeps on allowing him to make a fool of himself. If he doesn't sack Johnson soon, then I'll defo vote against Labour next time,' one voter said.

Image: Skitterphoto | Pixabay

Jack Monroe to get BBC cooking series

Jack Monroe, the heroic food poverty campaigner has beaten celebrity chefs in winning the contract to replace the popular series Can't Cook, Won't Cook after the other hopefuls pulled out once they were told the meal budget would be limited to 30p.

The new show, entitled “Illegitimi non carborundum”, will show viewers with limited budgets how to dine as well as the inmates of Wandsworth prison are able to. Jack will in fact, be accompanied by ex-Wandsworth prison inmate, 'Double Barrel' Bruno who will not only act as a judge of the quality of the meals, but demonstrate useful tips on how the budget can be extended by beating the shit out of Eton students until they hand over their dinner money.

Politicians have been invited to appear on the programme, but so far only Labour, the Lib Dems and SNP have responded to the invitations. Ian Blackford is seen to be particularly keen to complement 'Double Barrel' Bruno’s advice with oratory to accompany why the extortion of pocket money from Eton students, is a kindness they won’t regret.

BBC logo on a building during daytime photo – Free Northern ireland Image on Unsplash