Starmer forbids front bench from singing along with Wilson Pickett

Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has told shadow ministers that they shouldn't join in if they hear any song by Wilson Pickett "to be on the safe side."

Former Shadow Minister, Sam Tarry, has expressed doubts about the policy; "This is taking things too far. I was listening to Ken Bruce in my office when Mustang Sally came on, which I sang along with as it brought back powerful memories of a teenage romance I'd had; I really miss that horse. Next thing I know, Keir's popped his head round the door and said 'you're fired.' I mean, I wouldn't mind so much but I later found it was a cover by the Commitments."

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Demand for cut in price of Daily Mail now it will be using less ink

Now that there will be no reason to bolster Boris Johnson's fortunes and the Durham police have announced they won't be prosecuting Kier Starmer or Angela Rayner, the Daily Mail looks likely to be little more an advertising medium for crooked companies hoping to fleece pensioners of any savings they may have accrued. Readers have been pointing out how much ink will now be saved in printing the rag and are demanding the price should reflect this.

Doris Clegg 89 of Wakefield said: 'I still buy it to line the bottom of the budgie cage, but only because it happens to be just the right size. They conned me into voting Tory in 2019, but as you can see, I won't be doing that twice, so I welcome the saving on ink, but think they're taking the piss by charging for a newspaper with no stories in it.'

Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy

Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.

Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'

Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.

Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.