top of page
Search
'When we've won the next general election, the first thing we'll do is take steps to reduce the current, unsustainably high levels of immigration' a source close to a spokesman for the Labour party is reported to have claimed.
'By running it badly, with a combination of incompetence, corruption and by launching a succession of half-arsed, poorly implemented & under-funded government initiatives, as well as by cash-starving all its essential services, we'll make the country such a scruffy, dreary, run-down place that no-one in their right mind would ever want to come here.'
This was immediately described as yet another example of Labour promising to adopt exactly the same policies as the present Tory government.
Labour intern Marianne Morrison said 'All Labour need to win the next election is watch the Tories punch themselves in the face, shoot themselves in the foot and roundhouse kick themselves in the groin. That is unless the AI that powers Keir Starmer suddenly announces he's really into dogging. We have to have a plan.'
Morrison opened the viewing window to a soundproof room, where a suited man sat in an armchair, wearing a VR headset.
'It's the Manchurian Candidate meets the Truman Show. Keir-isma believes he's running a vigorous campaign, meeting real people and taking the tough questions from Kuenssberg. However that is only happening in virtual reality. In actual reality, we're keeping him safe in this room, tucked away from the nasty electorate and real world gaffes.'
'We say nothing, do nothing and promise nothing. Starmer-bot for the win!'
bottom of page