Starmer unleashes golden age of philosophy and enlightenment

Keir Starmer is surfing a tsunami of personal popularity as he begins to remake 10 Downing Street like a shining city upon a hill. As he forges a fair and just society for all, the sheer force of his charisma whips the people into a frenzy of happy adulation and Starmer is carried shoulder high throughout the land, women holding up babies for him to bless with his touch. 

One soothsayer commented 'It is as the ancient prophets and scriptures foretold. A new Jerusalem. His feet, walking upon England's (and even some of Scotland's) mountains green. A new Camelot. A new golden age of philosophy and enlightenment. He is accompanied by a flame haired woman quite a long way to his left, a slightly sensible woman balancing books and chaos with Ed Miliband.'

Starmer woke with a start as the campaign bus pulled into a leisure centre in Milton Keynes. 'What a strange dream' he thought. 'Now remember, you're the son of a tool-maker, not a tool.'

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image from pixabay

New Labour slogan - “We know where you live”

The Labour Party today revealed its new slogan for the general election - “We know where you live”. 

The slogan was announced during a party political broadcast, in which a menacing figure standing in the shadows, his face never seen, speaks to each viewer directly.

”George Matthews, we know all about that tweet you liked in 2021,” the figure told a terrified man in Oswestry. “And what you told your friends in the saloon bar of the Dog and Badger two years later.

“And we don’t think that attitude’s very helpful. We’d hate to have to have this conversation again at a later date. I’m sure you understand.”

Matthews immediately called Labour Party headquarters to ask how a TV broadcast could possibly have addressed him individually.

”They said it wasn’t possible, and I must have imagined it. But I could hear Peter Mandelson cackling hysterically in the background.”

image from pixabay