Policies to be redacted from Party manifestos

‘We want people to be able to make their decision unencumbered by anything too practical,’ said Kate Jones of the Politics Institute. ‘And anyway – who cares?’

Politicians for both Parties welcomed the move. ‘Thank Christ for that,’ said one Labour MP. ‘I thought we were going to have to come up with ideas.' Conservatives were equally positive: ‘Well, the few policies we’ve come up with so far have gone down about as well as a turd in a swimming pool. Which was, actually, one of our policy ideas.'

Other political parties are rumoured to exist, some of them much heavier on policy and lighter on tribalism than the main parties – but that’s probably why you haven’t heard of them.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jarmoluk-143740/

Can Labour turn up the heat on the Tories?

Labour plan to use King's ransom to fund vital infrastructure improvements

For centuries, kings have been subject to being captured in war, or kidnapped by ne'er do wells and held until a ransom is paid for their release. It remains a little discussed fact, that states are obligated to set aside an appriate amount of taxpayers' money for the event that a ransom needs to be paid.

Newsbiscuit has heard rumours that Labour intends to use the ransom fund to restore the NHS back to its former glory, along with restoring everything else the Tory party trashed.

A FOI request made to the treasury by the Labour party about the size of the ransom fund before the late Queen died was declined, but an assurance that it would be adequate was given. With the popularity of the monarchy having declined since the Queen's death, Labour are confident that a manifesto promise to use the ransom fund to return Britain to the 21st century and beyond, would be welcomed by the King's subjects.

"I know that Julius Caesar was captured by pirates when he was 25 and the pirates got got 50 talents of gold to let him go, but Julius went back after his release and slaughtered the pirates" said a Labour economist, "but these days they'd want bitcoins, so there ain't a lot of point in keeping a stash of gold, unless it was used for NHS dentistry. Bitcoins are just fictional Mickey Mouse money anyway, so the government could write a bitcoin cheque in full knowledge that if it bounced, there's sod all the kidnappers could do about it."

Victorian Treasure Chest - Free photo on Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home