OBR to focus on hypothetical Government spending

The Office of Budgetary Responsibility is to be renamed the Office of Hypothetical Spending and will devote 100% of its time to costing up Opposition spending plans.

‘It’s all very well saying how you’re going to improve the nation’, a Government spokesman said ‘but where will the money come from? Hmm? Answer me that if you’re so clever’.

Labour politicians have denied being ‘clever’ – an insult so potent in Westminster that it’s considered unparliamentary language – but point out that improving the nation used to form part of a government’s job description.

Some Tories have pointed out that they might be the Opposition quite soon, so the change could be an own goal, but Rishi Sunak has a Cunning Plan. ‘The new OHS needs an inspirational CEO, somebody who will tirelessly ask Labour where the money is coming from, and that is why I have decided to appoint Fiona Bruce to the role. She can carry on chairing Question Time, we don’t want that awful Victoria Derbyshire taking over’.

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Starmer's key election pledge, "we're not the Tories", reiterated throughout conference

First reports on Labour's conference seem to infer a key theme that is likely to manifest itself as major manifesto pledge. "We, and I can't stress this enough, are not the Tories", said Keir Starmer on the first day of the conference. His opening 5 minute welcome speech went on to say or imply this a further 30 times. There was variation to the message such as, "Tory? Not me, mate!" and "Hands up if you're a Tory" after which he comically touches his toes.

Angela Rayner and Lisa Nandy also vociferously confirmed they were not, indeed, Tories with the former telling our reporter to "f*** off" for even suggesting such a thing. Conference seminars seemed to also repeat the theme with Stephen Kinnock's "How to spot if someone thinks you're a Tory" a popular gathering and "10 ways to let someone know you're not a Tory" hosted by David Lammy.

A speech preview of Mr Starmer's closing speech also carried the messaging with key phrases such as "tough of being a Tory, tough on the causes of being a Tory", "NOT A TORY! NOT A TORY! NOT A TORY!" and the slightly more confusing "you be a Tory if you want to, this lady's not for being a Tory".

image from pixabay

author: simonjjames

Labour's last policy dies in captivity

Having abandoned their plans to end private school charitable status, Labour insisted shooting the policy in the face was the humane thing to do. Explained one zoologist: 'Without other policies to breed with, it would've faded away or been rehomed by the Greens.'

Originally called 'promises', then 'pledges', Sir Keir finally settled for the less ambiguous 'things I tell voters to trick them'. Having abandoned more policies than Boris Johnson has wives, Sir Keir has established a reputation for unparalleled duplicity, known as the Pinocchio Effect.

Complained one voter: 'He's always been an authoritarian charlatan, with no ethics whatsoever...so, in his defence, that's one policy he's stuck to.'

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