Labour announces new plan to deter immigrants

'When we've won the next general election, the first thing we'll do is take steps to reduce the current, unsustainably high levels of immigration' a source close to a spokesman for the Labour party is reported to have claimed.

'By running it badly, with a combination of incompetence, corruption and by launching a succession of half-arsed, poorly implemented & under-funded government initiatives, as well as by cash-starving all its essential services, we'll make the country such a scruffy, dreary, run-down place that no-one in their right mind would ever want to come here.'

This was immediately described as yet another example of Labour promising to adopt exactly the same policies as the present Tory government.

Immigrant Welcome Centre - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Labour to make 'Sound of silence' their campaign anthem

Labour intern Marianne Morrison said 'All Labour need to win the next election is watch the Tories punch themselves in the face, shoot themselves in the foot and roundhouse kick themselves in the groin. That is unless the AI that powers Keir Starmer suddenly announces he's really into dogging. We have to have a plan.'

Morrison opened the viewing window to a soundproof room, where a suited man sat in an armchair, wearing a VR headset.

'It's the Manchurian Candidate meets the Truman Show. Keir-isma believes he's running a vigorous campaign, meeting real people and taking the tough questions from Kuenssberg. However that is only happening in virtual reality. In actual reality, we're keeping him safe in this room, tucked away from the nasty electorate and real world gaffes.'

'We say nothing, do nothing and promise nothing. Starmer-bot for the win!'

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Scenes at Conservative HQ as results from GE 2019 trickle in

NewsBiscuit has discovered that the election after-party in 2019 was so wild that the Conservatives mistakenly thought they had lost to Labour. News that they have been in power for the last four years is slowly filtering through.

‘You’re shitting me’, one MP told reporters. ‘To be fair, I was off my tits for about a week. Ask Govey, he’s always at the front of the conga. It was us? We won?’

Several backbenchers appeared stunned by the news. ‘Does that mean . . . are we the ones who are supposed to stop all the poo going into the rivers? Are you sure? ‘

Conservatives have been blaming Keir Starmer for the state of the economy for some time. Now we know why. It also explains why Rishi Sunak never answers any questions at PMQs – he presumably thinks Starmer should be answering them.

‘So all those planes arriving during the pandemic without quarantine – were we supposed to sort that out? Oh shit!’

Another MP asked ‘But can we keep the bungs?’, suggesting that they have some awareness of reality.

Image:mounsey - Pixabay

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