Magic Money Tree found in Cayman Islands

After searching high and low, for all of two minutes, Labour and Conservative MPs agreed there was no money to help the poor. Yet a cursory inspection of their expenses claims, would suggest that the Magic Money tree is alive and well, and forming a forest the size of Wales.

Said one tax inspector: 'If you want to find a tree, you should start with people who own a 50 acre garden. Very few trees in a council tenement building. Very little Magic there either. Not unless you count the mushrooms. In reality, Magic Trees are much more likely to be discovered in Magic Offshore Accounts, alongside Magic Tax Avoidance and Magic Photos of Jeffery Epstein.'

Asked about the huge pile of money, shaped like a tree, sitting in his own bank account, a spokesman for Keir Starmer said: 'Oh, that tree? I never noticed it before. That's not a tree, it's a very large shrub. Easy mistake to make. And those big wads of cash? Those are donations to ensure we won't introduce a rich tax. So technically not money, more of a bribe. Magic, huh?'

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Labour hopes to secure landslide general election victory with celebrity MPs

Labour party strategists have devised a new way to engage with Britain’s recalcitrant voters. Recognising that career MPs are widely seen as untrustworthy, sleazy, self-serving and stupid, they are planning to put forward new general election candidates from the worlds of sport and celebrity.

An insider said that the public aspire to the lifestyles of sports stars and celebrities, are more likely to copy what they do, and will usually trust them without question. If a politician tells you to vote for them, many voters will cussedly vote for their opponents instead. If a celebrity tells you to vote for them, then most people will happily send text after text at 50p a go.

Celebrities are seen as more authentic, less duplicitous and generally, a lot more fun. Marcus Rashford has already achieved more on school meals than any MP ever did, for example. A key advantage is that celebs are less likely to go on about boring things like national debt, prison overcrowding, housing shortages, melting ice and depressing things like that. They are much more likely to go for ‘fun’ policies like free nail varnish for all, for example, and back it up with a hilarious Youtube video or Tiktok post.

Labour hopes that the power of celebrity will overcome voter apathy. It believes the approach will save a fortune on political advertising, as celebrities are much better at getting free publicity from the papers and find it much easier to get on TV. Insiders are discussing ‘all celebrity’ shortlists in some marginal seats.

Labour’s political ‘old-stagers’ are concerned about a new focus on celebrity politics, but admit that ‘they probably couldn’t do any worse than the politicians we’ve currently got’.

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Chancellor’s ingenious plan to ‘get Britain moving’

The Chancellor has surprised his critics with a budget themed on ‘turbo-charging Britain’ and ‘getting Britain moving’.

The Chancellor has found an ingenious way to instantly boost the economy by 10% at virtually no cost. This is achieved by raising all 20mph speed limits by 10%, to 22mph. This bold and innovative move will speed up the movement of supplies to factories, finished products to shops, and will speed up consumers’ journeys to and from the shops. Indeed, all economic sectors will benefit.

Economists agree that the move will definitely boost productivity – but probably not by a full 10% as some speed limits will remain unchanged. Experts are forecasting the actual boost to be between 0.003% and 8.191919%. Tory strategists believe that the new policy will be particularly popular in Wales and will lessen enthusiasm for Welsh independence.

The Labour Party was wrong-footed by this innovative plan and could only mutter about increasing road casualties, as 22mph impacts are slightly more serious than crashes at 20mph. Labour have not ruled out reversing the policy after the next election. George Galloway has complained that the initiative ‘does nothing for Gaza’.

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