Serial killer avoids jail by swapping party

His lawyer explained: 'My client has an horrendous record of evil doing, coupled with countless tirades of hate speech, but in joining the Labour Party he is absolved of all prior wrong-doing. Who cares if he has spent his entire working life chopping up children, we need to forgive and forget, and accept him as the new Shadow Minister for Schools.'

An undistinguished list of right-wing nut jobs have recently abandoned the Tory Party for Labour, in the hope of finding kindred spirits. Said one MP: 'I'm an anti-imigrant, Brexiteer, with shares in oil, arms and strangling puppies. If anything I'm too woke for Labour.'

Starmer has said he would welcome with open arms any politician, provided they can stop frothing at the mouth for two seconds. The killer admitted: 'I don't really know much about politics, I just like murdering stuff. But I felt right at home when Sir Keir explained his policy on Gaza.'

Genghis Khan defects to the Labour Party

Scourge of civilisation and warrior emperor of half the known world, Genghis Khan, has announced that, following disappointing local election results, he is leaving the Conservative Party to join Keir Starmer's Labour.

'This is a great result for sensible, middle-of-the-road politics" announced Sir Keir, grinning nervously as he shook hands with the axe-wielding war lord. "Plus Mr Khan has some radical policy ideas about small boats which I am sure will make a splash on the campaign trail.'

The move has been greeted with alarm by many in the Labour party, and indeed all around the country, as they fear that the Mongol chief seeks to replace the Tory 'levelling up' agenda with a more drastic plan to simply 'level' everything in sight. 'Still, said one veteran socialist, 'at least he's not Farage, eh?'.

Labour to become a limited company

Following the success of Reform Limited in fielding a defective, sorry defecting, sorry - correct on both counts - MP, two councillors and a single London Assembly member the Labour Party has panicked and has decided to follow the trend to create a limited company. 

Labour Party members will be offered the opportunity to buy shares, vote at AGMs which the directors will ignore as in all well-run limited companies (and coincidentally in the current Labour Party), and instead of a shadow cabinet the organisation will have directors with Keir Starmer as Chairman, Rachel Reeves as Company Secretary and Wes Streeting the director responsible for taking the blame when HMRC come knocking.

The new organisation will be listed on the Bonn Exchange and insiders say the new name, Labour Very Limited, is a good description of what it will be able to do once it inherits the mess the Tories are leaving.