Labour’s six pledges: the first draft

A cleaner at Labour HQ claims to have found the first draft of the six pledges in a waste paper basket.

The pledges have clearly been through a long process of discussion, development and testing with focus groups, as you can see from the following first draft:

Labour pledges to the electorate (first draft, Not For Tory Eyes)

1. No lying, and no lying about lying

2. No crashing the economy with bonkers budget promises

3. No government contracts for anyone’s mates, especially if you met them in the pub

4. No talk of picaninnies, watermelon smiles and letterbox burqas

5. No bunking off Cobra meetings for parties, wine in suitcases, or any other reason

6. No defending criminals, perverts, racists, weirdos and holocaust deniers, even if they are MPs

7. PM to resign immediately if more than 50 members of the government resign within 48 hours

As you can see, the Labour party has worked hard to develop these rather negative ideas into the more positive pledges set out at the recent launch event. The original draft may still, however, prove valuable to Labour candidates in the run up to the general election, when talking to voters.

Hat tip to Titus regarding his earlier post

By Deskpilot

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Starmer imposes pre-election curfew on Labour candidates

Keir Starmer continues with his line that there is still 'lots of work to do' before a general election and has told candidates to be prepare for it ‘at any moment’. As part of those preparations, he has ordered candidates of observe some severe restrictions to protect the party’s reputation and to avoid unwelcome coverage in the Tory press.

When out and about, candidates are advised to stick to activities considered acceptable by focus groups. These include going to the cinema (English language films only), going out to eat (British cuisine, no Michelin stars) and window shopping at ordinary stores such as Matalan, Poundland, TKMaxx and Primark (no actual purchasing).

Candidates are advised against going to the dogs (easy tabloid headline), opera (far too posh and not relatable), hunting and shooting, and visiting in designer shops. The preferred dress code is ‘relaxed but businesslike and cool (not hip) and patriotic’. No Crocs or Adidas Sambas. Not too many union flags and nothing with the cross of St George. Avoid blue and yellow clothes if possible, and go easy on the hi-viz.

Candidates should only go to restaurants if a meal costs less than the average weekly wage in the constituency. They should avoid venison, game birds including swan, veal, anything with too many air miles (kangaroo), anything too ostentatiously vegan, and anything that is served with a jus. Suggested orders include shepherd’s pie (but not cottage pie), fish and chips (but not cod or haddock due to overfishing), and root vegetables. Drinks can be British beer (halves only), British cider (not flavoured), tea. Water in all forms should be avoided (tap and bottled) as it’s all too complicated.

Finally, candidates are strongly advised against late nights, raves, lock-ins, stag and hen parties and cock fighting. They are expected to accept a voluntary curfew and be back home, still sober and fully dressed, by 10pm.

Kier Starmer was not available for comment as he was having an early night.