New Labour slogan - “We know where you live”

The Labour Party today revealed its new slogan for the general election - “We know where you live”. 

The slogan was announced during a party political broadcast, in which a menacing figure standing in the shadows, his face never seen, speaks to each viewer directly.

”George Matthews, we know all about that tweet you liked in 2021,” the figure told a terrified man in Oswestry. “And what you told your friends in the saloon bar of the Dog and Badger two years later.

“And we don’t think that attitude’s very helpful. We’d hate to have to have this conversation again at a later date. I’m sure you understand.”

Matthews immediately called Labour Party headquarters to ask how a TV broadcast could possibly have addressed him individually.

”They said it wasn’t possible, and I must have imagined it. But I could hear Peter Mandelson cackling hysterically in the background.”

image from pixabay

Scalextric range of Battlebus vehicles in high demand

Hamleys are reporting record queues as children and their dads hope Christmas will come early for them if they can get their hands on a set of Scalextric battlebuses to bring some excitement into what promises to be a somewhat mediocre election campaign.

We sent a work experience reporter to Hamleys flagship Regent Street store to check out how the battlebuses perform on the test track the store had set up. He told us that everyone wanted to play with the red Labour one, because it was bound to win, that the blue Tory one moved at the speed of a hearse and that nobody could work out why the satanic dark Reform UK one would only go backwards.

The orange Lib Dem bus had a tendency to change track all the time and the Green Party was represented by a group of protesters placed at random positions on the track to slow the race down.

A spokesbrat for ToyszoWus told Newsbiscuit of their disappointment that Scalextric hadn’t introduced the battlebus range before they went bust as it may have saved them.

Image from pixabay

Trump cleared to stand for Labour

Trump is to stand in North Islington, on a platform of corruption and bottom pinching. Many would think being a convicted felon would be a negative, but as one member of Labour's NEC said: 'He's a right-wing demagogue, with a criminal record as long as your arm, what's not to like?'

Labour's purge of left-wing MPs has opened up an opportunity for candidates more attune to party policy, such as the corpses of Margaret Thatcher and Jeffrey Epstein. Trump spoke of his excitement of turning Islington into a golf course, stripper bar combo.

Trump's lack of ethics has caused alarm in the Shadow Cabinet, due to plagiarism.

Asked if they felt Trump would change the party: 'He may struggle to match us for nepotism, but we are all on board with his idea to add 10ft to Hadrian's Wall. He even comes with a red tie.'

Picture credit: Wix AI