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Writer's picturedeskpilot
Jul 23

Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore


The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.


An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.


 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.


Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.


The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...


Image credit: Wix AI

Writer's pictureSteveb
Jul 14

Keir Starmer's big red ledger is naughty and nice list

A large, dark red ledger the new Prime Minister is carrying around with him contains recipes for gravy and chips. Before anything else can be done to fix Britain, the optimum output for the national dish must be agreed upon by democratic Party consensus.


The Left of the Labour Party strongly disagrees. It's not a recipe book, it's a list of self defence manoeuvres to fend off tabloid journalists. They come with step-by-step diagrams, and one of them includes the correct procedure for instant decapitation if one happens to be in possession of a large, dark red ledger.


The tabloid press are at odds with the 'Commie threat lurking within Labour'. They are convinced that it is a lever arch file of lewd scandals involving Angela Rayner. With obscene photos and 50 Shades of Grey-style descriptions which would be so rude as to be almost unprintable.


Scholars are not in concurrence, because otherwise rings would be clearly visible. Beards have been stroked, and Occam's Razor applied. It is obviously a proof for Fermat's Last Theorem, combining Schrödinger's Cat, Pavlov's Dog, and multiverse theory where a duck won the Premiership in 2016.




Writer's pictureWrenfoe
Jul 9

Labour to subcontract governance

In its first days of office, Labour have promised to solve the housing and health crisis, by getting someone else to do it. Pleading for the private sector to step in, Sir Keir Starmer explained he would be taking the next four years off as TOIL- 'just like the last government'.


Asked why then he had run a campaign with the slogan 'change', he explained that loose change was all he was willing to spend. His spokeswoman said: 'Private finance can be trusted to benevolently invest and then lovingly assest strip the NHS. And all responsibility will be delegated, to ensure plausible deniability.


'We'll be out-sourcing everything, except being insufferably smug, we've got a monopoly on that.'




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