Rachel Reeves’ surprising speech

The Chancellor gave her much heralded speech on the economy this week. The speech majored on how to create growth, and it covered airport runways, relocating Silicon Valley to Bedfordshire, digging a new hole under the Thames, buggering up the environment to boost the economy, and so on.

None of these things is expected to fix the economy anytime soon.

A photographer with a powerful zoom lens noticed that Rachel Reeves’ glossy fingernails were decorated with tiny letters that spelled out the word ‘doomed’ and that when she blinked, her eyelids appeared to have the message ‘help me’ written on them.   Although when she winks, the message is either ‘help, help, help’ or ‘me, me, me’.  So the precise meaning is somewhat unclear.

Media minders and members of the security services whisked the Chancellor away at the end of her speech, with no time for questions about inflation, stagflation, recession, trade tariffs, potholes, dog mess or winter fuel payments.  And certainly no time for answers.

It's never to late to learn about literature

Labour's plan to stop the smuggling gangs with co-operatives

Labour have devised a radical plan to stop the smuggling gangs with co-operatives. An anonymous source has shown our reporter a secret internal Labour Party document which outlines an innovative plan to stop the gangs smuggling migrants across the English Channel.

The idea is to undercut the gangs by using traditional socialist methods. Migrants will be encouraged to form their own co-operative societies to facilitate the crossing of the channel. These clubs will source boats, life jackets and essential supplies.

An international association formed from these local groups will produce pamphlets in several languages giving advice on navigation, survival at sea, and how to call the coastguard once the halfway point has been crossed.

The hoped-for effect is that the gangs will find their huge profits have disappeared. If the co-operatives make any profits, they will be reinvested or distributed to members.

A Labour Party spokesman refused to confirm or deny the authenticity of the plan. But he did say that it was important for Labour to stick to its principles whilst in government. 'These violent, capitalist gangs were classic exploiters of poor working class migrants,' he said. 'It was a manifesto commitment to stop the gangs, not the migrants'

Picture credit: Wix AI