Plan for change: Keir apologises for small typo

Starmer launched his plan for change today, and set out his key milestones.  This fills in some of the detail that couldn't be put into the election manifesto for fear of scaring the voters.

Unfortunately, Keir has had to issue a swift correction on one of the pledges.  Due to a minor transcription error, the pledge to ‘treat 18% of NHS patients within 92 weeks’ was incorrectly announced with the numbers transposed.

Keir Starmer said that he felt obliged to issue the correction quickly, so that people on NHS waiting lists didn’t get their hopes up.

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Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved

The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.

'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.

However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.

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Minister resigns for thing she didn't do, not thing she did

The Transport Secretary made it clear she was resigning on a point of whimsy rather than principal. 'Yes, I could have quit over all the warmongering, corruption, abuse of the elderly and vulnerable, but that would have seen like an admission of guilt. This way I get to do a 'sorry, not sorry' farewell and I'll be back in the Cabinet faster than a tramp on chips!'

This is the first high profile resignation from the Starmer government, if you ignore the sense of resignation felt by the electorate. Yet, it is not the first time Labour has had to apologise for something they did not do, their manifesto being a case in point. Said one voter: 'Why delay the inevitable? Eventually every Minister has to resign due to a sex or money scandal. It's like a. political bikini wax. Nobody wants it but you might as well get it over quickly.'

Others have criticised her for playing her 'get out of jail' card too early.

Resigning now cannot protect you later, particularly if you get chummy with an international sex trafficker - just ask Peter Mandelson. Obviously don't ask Mr. Mandelson, directly. He has lawyers.

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