top of page
Search
Following the success of their asteroid smashing experiment, controllers based at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (JHU-APL) say they will now turn their attention to the rock-like substance that lies between Kwasi Kwarteng’s ears.
Space agency executive Dr. Doris Glazier admitted they were not sure if the Kwarteng impact would be as successful as the deep space collision, but they would at least give it a go.
‘The DART probe only had to travel seven million miles to reach its destination before smashing into the asteroid.
It sounds impressive, but Kwarteng inhabits a totally different solar system to the rest of us and we’re not entirely sure if he can be reached.
And as his mini-budget showed, Kwarteng’s brain is thicker than any space rock known to man.
DART was travelling at 15,000 mph when it crashed into the asteroid, but we’re not sure if that would have any significant impact on the rubble found inside the Chancellor’s brain.
But we have to try; we need to find something to make him change direction. The asteroid rocket may be our only chance’.
Observers say Mr Kwarteng’s policies could bring about the death of the last remaining dinosaurs on Earth, or the Tory party as they are more commonly known here in the UK.
Earlier today, Chancellor of the Exchequer Kwasi Kwarteng was seen being led away from Downing Street wearing a straitjacket, before being bundled into the back of a van by men in white coats.
Dr Valium from St Cuthbert’s Asylum for the Bewildered in Barking told us, 'We’d been looking for him for some time, he’s always wandering off and getting into mischief, bless him. Kwasi Kwarteng isn’t even his real name - it’s Keith Crump, that’s why it took us a while to find him. Thinks he’s Chancellor of the Exchequer this time, does he? Blimey, that’s a laugh – he can’t even add up how many fingers and toes he’s got without getting confused, poor sod. He does like watching Count von Count on his Sesame Street DVDs though, maybe that’s what put the idea into his addled brain that he could do a job where he’s in charge of counting.'
Dr Valium went on to say, 'While we’re on the subject of escaped lunatics, you haven’t seen an insane looking blonde woman wandering around, have you? Talks about cheese and pork markets a lot, thinks she’s Margaret Thatcher..?'
Image from Pixabay by aitoff
bottom of page