Putin nominated for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.

Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.

‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’

The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.

‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’

Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.

‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’

Kremlin issues election guidance to Tories

‘Dear Western Imperialist scum. Sorry, force of habit.

Dear Rishi Sunak. Unlike me, you might struggle to get 87% of the votes in your own house.

Have you tried imprisoning and then killing Keir Starmer? It’s not like there would be a popular uprising on his behalf. Half of his own party would offer to stick the knife in themselves. You could portray it as red on red violence and have them all sent to a hideous, desolate penal colony, like the Isle of Wight.

Ed Davey can be the minor party candidate that means you’re not technically unopposed.

Why am I helping you? Well, having the UK floundering in chaos is helpful for Moscow, so we’re big fans of yours. Please continue laundering our money, especially my pension.

Kisses, Vlad.’

Russian advance hindered by faulty Sat Nav

Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology.

Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces.

One unnamed Russian soldier said “its really frustrating trying to invade, when the voice of Nigel Havers is trying to give you directions to Sebastopol in South Wales”, he went on and claimed that they have been directed to Severrnside Industrial estate outside Bristol instead of Sieverodonetsk, Dundee instead of the Donbas region and Keighley instead of Kyiv.

Drive Directions Gps - Free photo on Pixabay