Tory MP defends awarding of Savile knighthood

A Tory MP has defended the awarding of a knighthood to children’s entertainer Jimmy Savile saying that if it hadn’t been for the disgraced entertainers relentless pursuit of children and young adults for sexual gratification we may never have known the full extent of paedophilia here in the UK.

Barnet MP Gummidge Boufficant says Savile’s contribution in bringing the vile crime to our attention and his lifelong friendship with former Tory leader Margaret Thatcher should never be underestimated and a knighthood was the least he deserved.

The serial defender of the indefensible, known for his trademark toadying and sycophantic manner was adamant that Savile’s knighthood had been well deserved at the time and that people should not judge him by today’s standards.

Mr.Boufficant also defended Boris Johnson’s breaches of Covid law by saying everybody was partying during lockdown and people such as teachers and nurses were mostly pissed throughout the pandemic and had clearly broken lockdown rules.

'Now….can I call upon you to sign my petition to get Dr.Harold Shipman a posthumous knighthood for his role in highlighting the plight of the elderly under Tony Blair’s Labour government’ added Mr.Boufficant.

Queen complains about Knighthood workload

The Palace has confirmed that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second, has expressed concern that she is going to be worn out knighting 'every Tom, Dick and Harry' if the selection of Gavin Williamson is anything to go by.' Seemingly the Palace feels the bar is set so low that snakes are going to struggle to get under it and anyone with modicum of incompetence and the odd compromising photo of the Prime Minister is going to request a Knighthood any day soon.

'That includes half the Metropolitan Police, which explains why it is taking so long to process the Partygate evidence,' said a minor constitutional expert, who confirmed he had a photo of Boris with a girl twenty years younger than himself. 'Might be an assistant, might be something more salacious, whatever, must be worth at least an Earldom,' he mused.

Image: Pixabay/dimitrisvetsikas1969

Williamson to be knighted for services to dipshittery

Arsehole formerly known as defence secretary and education secretary, Gavin Williamson, is to receive a knighthood, for his dedicated service to useless dipshits everywhere, it has emerged.

“When it comes to pure dipshittery, Gavin’s credentials are beyond reproach,” commented Sir Percival Humpreys from the Royal Society of Royalness.

“He was sacked by two Prime Ministers in two years. An impressive feat in itself, made all the more remarkable by the fact that the second Prime Minister is himself a useless melt, incapable of recognising his own birthday party taking place before his very own eyes.

“He does indeed bring a new level of barrel-scraping ineptitude to the honours system.”

A bewildered Williamson is quoted as having said, “as an aspiring dipshit, back studying for A-level results that I forgot I took, I couldn’t of dreamed of receiving such an accolade for being this ball-achingly shite at everything.

“I would like to thank all of countless students whose futures I’ve f*cked up, but I’m sure they will totally understand that my staggering incompetence was just a stepping stone for me to get to this point at their expense. Classic dipshitting.

When asked for comment from the Palace, there are unconfirmed reports that the Queen said, “get that dipshit, Andrew to do it.”

Image: Pixabay/balichaca