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Following the decision by Paula Vennels to hand her CBE in after a massive social media storm backed by an online petition signed by over one million outraged citizens, similar calls are being made for Sir Keir Starmer to hand back his Knighthood. 'This isn't politically motivated,' insisted one poster on Twitter whose account had been live for nearly three hours and had zero followers. Similar posts were made by accounts that appeared so new they gleamed. 'Nah, not political, he was the Director of Public Prosecutions when the Post Office made their private prosecutions,' insisted another.
Although the not politically-motivated claim appears to be gaining traction, there appears to be zero support to strip Sir David Calvert-Smith (DPP 1998 - 2003) of his Knighthood, nor for Lord Ken MacDonald (DPP 2003 - 2008) to be stripped of his Peerage. Additionally, Dame Alison Saunders, the funnier half of the French and Saunders double act (DPP 2013 - 2018) isn't being asked to hand her ermine robe back and nor is Sir Max (Harry) Hill (DPP 2018 - 2023 being asked to hand his Knighthood back (but is frequently asked to refrain from his various TV programmes such as Harry Hill's TV burp).
A government spokesman said the calls for stripping the former DPP of his Knighthood wasn't political and explained the absence of calls for any of the other four DPPs that span the Horizon debacle timeline on the simple fact that none of the other DPPs had, to their knowledge, butchered puppies or personally freed mass murderers. 'If he will go around jailing innocent people while providing his skills for free for people anyone can see are guilty, then he deserves everything the public can be made to throw at him,' said the spokesman.
Victorian orphanage tyrant and House of Commons snoozer Jacob Rees-Mogg has briefly paused sneering at the poor to be made a Knight of the Realm, courtesy of Bacchanalian Boris. Rees-Mogg is, however, rumoured to be embarrassed by the ennoblement because it draws attention to the fact that despite his unctuous unpleasantness, he did not have a knighthood already and was thus a commoner.
Tory Central Office laughed off any suggestion that Rees-Mogg had developed either a conscience or any sense of self-awareness or basic human decency.
A Tory Sir Spokesman said, 'He made Priti Patel a Dame - just like Judi Dench. Patel and Dench are both equally loved. Boris fell on his pork sword before he was forced on to it, going full Oprah on his way out. You get a knighthood. And you get a knighthood. Not you, Nadine.
'Being made a Knight is a mixed blessing though - two steps forward and one step sideways.'
Wearing a ceremonial T-shirt reading "I went to Boris-land and all I got was this knighthood", the Sir Spokesman continued braying, 'Boris is the best and the bravest and anyone who says he isn't should be locked up in one of the 40 hospitals we haven't built.'
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