Despite the fact that UK sperm donors can now get paid £45 per clinic visit, it has been announced that the UK has a shortage of w*nkers, surprisingly.
News of the recent increase from £35 to £45 for sperm donations comes in the wake of Kemi Badenoch's call for women on maternity leave to receive less money.
We spoke to one sperm donor, who wanted to remain anonymous, but asked to be referred to as 'Jizz-Lord'. He told us, 'I think it's only right that sperm donors like me should be paid more, and women on maternity leave should be paid less. After all, when it comes to continuing the human race, it's us men who have to do the hard part, am I right, mate? Yeah, gimme a high five! On second thoughts, better not - I can't remember if I washed my hands before I left the clinic.'
Wiping his hand down his jeans, Jizz-Lord continued, 'Women have the easy part - all they have to do is get pregnant, carry the baby for nine months while suffering morning sickness, give birth, then spend the next couple of years coping with sleepless nights and dirty nappies. Whereas sperm donors like me have to visit the clinic once a week for up to six months to donate our baby juice, and sometimes that can be really difficult to fit into my busy schedule of sleeping and playing Xbox. There's also travelling time involved, and it takes me almost 15 minutes to get the clinic. I always go there on the number 48, as I find that when I sit upstairs the vibrations of the bus help me to get into the mood to make my donation, especially when it goes over all those speed bumps. Actually, there have been a couple of times where the bus journey was a bit too effective, and I made my donation all over the back seat of the bus, so I didn't even get paid for it.'
Jizz-lord added, 'I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but they won't accept donations from just any old tosser, they only want the crème de la crème. There's stiff competition, and a rigorous medical screening process, which can be hard on a man.
'So when you really think about it, £1080 isn't much for 6 month's hard work. It's not like I'm making money hand over fist.'
Image: Newsbiscuit Archive