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Keir Starmer's big red ledger is naughty and nice list

A large, dark red ledger the new Prime Minister is carrying around with him contains recipes for gravy and chips. Before anything else can be done to fix Britain, the optimum output for the national dish must be agreed upon by democratic Party consensus.


The Left of the Labour Party strongly disagrees. It's not a recipe book, it's a list of self defence manoeuvres to fend off tabloid journalists. They come with step-by-step diagrams, and one of them includes the correct procedure for instant decapitation if one happens to be in possession of a large, dark red ledger.


The tabloid press are at odds with the 'Commie threat lurking within Labour'. They are convinced that it is a lever arch file of lewd scandals involving Angela Rayner. With obscene photos and 50 Shades of Grey-style descriptions which would be so rude as to be almost unprintable.


Scholars are not in concurrence, because otherwise rings would be clearly visible. Beards have been stroked, and Occam's Razor applied. It is obviously a proof for Fermat's Last Theorem, combining Schrödinger's Cat, Pavlov's Dog, and multiverse theory where a duck won the Premiership in 2016.




Fermat's Last Cat



It turns out that Schrödinger's cat was alive and well, but just lost.  When the box was opened there was no sign of a dead cat.  However, it has been impossible to find the original (presumably live) one either.  Fermat asserted that it was impossible for any cat to exist in a cube-shaped box or a box of any shape and of any number of dimensions other that a flat one with zero volume and claimed to have a discovered a proof of this, although 'there wasn't enough space to write it down', even though there was (or had been) apparently sufficient room for a cat, even if not sufficient room to swing one.  Some have nicknamed it 'Fermat's Lost Cat', and there is ongoing debate whether a lost cat is the same thing as a missing cat or a dead cat, and whether a missing cat can be counted as alive or dead.   


It was just the same when the new owner of the box, Sir Keir Starmer, opened it and claimed that, as promised, the cat was indeed in there, but very, very small - so small as to be invisible and just about undetectable, and might indeed. actually be dead, or at least broken.


'The cat would need to be much larger if it is to be found, and its state of health determined.  So clearly, the answer is that what is essential for this, now, is growth.'




Keir Starmer’s keynote speech on football and the Euros



We are proud to have made it to the semi-finals of the Euros. This is an immense achievement after fourteen years of Tory mismanagement. I visited a great many football clubs during my election campaign. Too often, I heard stories of underinvestment, a lack of hope, and a failure to find opportunity.


I pay tribute to the dedication and hard work that Gareth Southgate brought to his leadership of the national team. But the extra effort needed to get to the final should not be underestimated by anyone.  However much I would like to, I can give no guarantees about a semi-final win.

Footballing failure has led to a weariness in the heart of a nation.   A draining away of the hope, the spirit, the belief in a better future.  We must all accept that the team’s performance has too often been painful to watch, and that we need to heal those wounds.  We need to move forward, together.  We must rebuild our team, so that we can win all of football’s major trophies, including the World Cup.

And it is surely clear to everyone that our football needs a bigger reset. For too long now we have turned a blind eye as millions slid into other so-called sports – Padel, Boccia, Korfball – while football was ignored. I want to say very clearly to people - not this time. 


Changing football is not like flicking a switch.  It will take a while.  But have no doubt that the work of change begins – immediately.  We start today with the simple acknowledgment that football can be a force for good.

Ball by ball, we will rebuild our national game from the ground up, with football thriving in every community. With every team member treated with dignity and respect, and providing the hope that working people can build their lives around.  To defy, quietly, those who have written our national team off. 

 

You have given us a clear mandate to deliver change and to restore sportsmanship and respect to football.  Facing down, as we have so often in our past, the challenges of other national teams.


So, with respect and humility, I invite you all to support our work to deliver national football renewal. 

Our work is urgent… 

And we begin it today.




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