'There's no punchline, I'm just taking it. All of your money, all for me. You lot can go f$ck yourselves. [leave gap for my maniacal laughter and the uproarious applause of the great unwashed]'
This more abrasive first draft of Rishi Sunak's recent 'the next few years will be dangerous' speech, was originally to include a call and response section of "Who's the boogeyman", "Starmer's the boogeyman". The speech's finale would see Sunak wave a wad of cash at the audience shouting 'This is going to keep me safe. You lot - and I cannot stress this enough - can go f$ck yourselves.'
Passer-by Tara Taylor said 'Who's more dangerous, Rishi Sunak or Keir Starmer? It's obviously Rishi Sunak, but I would rather be left alone in the woods with a bear. Actually, is it too late to vote for chaos with Ed Miliband?'
Keir Starmer – the answer to the question who would finish third in a Keir Starmer lookalike competition, behind a Keir Starmer cardboard cutout and a Henry Hoover with print out of Keir Starmer’s face stuck on – has been forced to clamp down on the sheer number of Tory defectors to Labour.
One Labour MP said 'Most Tory MPs are sociopathically addicted to power and so have no problem changing parties in their lust for control. These Tory immigrants are arriving in small boats, sailing across the floor of the House of Commons. We could deport them to Rwanda for processing, but apparently, "that’s illegal". Boooooooring.'
'The Tories say we should leave the ECHR, but that's because the H stands for Human and so it doesn't apply to them.'
Photo by Dimitry Ljasuk on Unsplash