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Senior Conservative Party members have expressed their shock and surprise that Boris Johnson has behaved exactly like Boris Johnson.
"I simply had no idea that he might be a lazy incompetent who covers his mistakes with bluster and lying." said a stunned Oliver Dowden, co-chair of the party (not the Christmas party, the Tory Party).
"I know that his entire career has been like that, but there was no indication that he would carry on in the same manner. I thought he might be a bit like John Major or Kier Starmer - oh, what am I saying."
Updated: Dec 17, 2021
According to an insider, Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has called for the resignation of 1980s' sitcom milkman, Dave Deacon of Dawson's Dairy.
Our reporter was told, “Dawson's lifestyle and cheeky disposition are not compatible with the current thinking and culture of the Labour Party and his attitude towards women goes totally against the moral values of the party. His behaviour is often disgracefully sexist and needs to stay in the past where it belongs.”
Tory MP, Sir Colin Bottletop, said “Starmer's opinion is, as usual, misinformed nonsense and that, if anything, Dave Deacon is a role model for young people today. He encourages the recycling of glass bottles, drives an electric milk float and is extremely community minded, often visiting lonely, young women in the community.”
Mr Deacon, football mad, womanising, lead character in the ITV series Bottle Boys, played by Robin Askwith, was unfortunately unavailable for comment.
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