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Starmer declares his muesli is 'broken'

New Prime Minister Keir Starmer has warned his family that their breakfast is 'broken', and fixing it 'won't be an overnight job'.


"The Tories didn't buy any cornflakes and despite it's patriotic appeal, a full English takes too long and it's unhealthy. We'll have to tighten our belts" the stern-faced Labour leader announced to his weary wife and children.


"Give us a break" muttered Rachel Starmer to herself. "If he wants affordable health, he just needs to soak some muesli in orange juice, it literally IS an overnight job."




"Dull, isn't it, this government?" sighs nostalgic voter

"It's been less than a week since they were booted out of power, and I'm missing them already," said a voter in Kidderminster, closing her morning newspaper with a sigh.


"No one in public office is gambling on tip-offs any longer, or flouting the regulations they just created, or passing insane laws declaring Rwanda is safe to ship migrants to. I don't see Jacob Rees-Mogg on the television every evening sneering at the electorate like we were tenant farmers who'd dared knock at the big house during cocktail hour.


"The prime minister and chancellor haven't cooked up a budget that freaks out the bond market and sends mortgage rates soaring, and we're not getting 60 ministers resigning in a single day. Our new prime minister can accurately count the number of children he has sired on the fingers of one hand, and no one has yet refurbished their Downing Street flat with donations from a mystery millionaire.


"I miss the chaos," continued the voter, dabbing a tear from her eye. "It's been so calm, it's spooky. I miss throwing things across the room in a blind fury at all the folly, corruption and deceit. I tell you, Keir Starmer will have to do a lot better than this at serving up shocking tales of government sleaze and stupidity if he wants my vote next time round.



"I mean, what does he think I pay my taxes for?"




14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope



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A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.


Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'


'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'


'Do I need to see a doctor?'


'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'


Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash



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