Starmer unleashes golden age of philosophy and enlightenment

Keir Starmer is surfing a tsunami of personal popularity as he begins to remake 10 Downing Street like a shining city upon a hill. As he forges a fair and just society for all, the sheer force of his charisma whips the people into a frenzy of happy adulation and Starmer is carried shoulder high throughout the land, women holding up babies for him to bless with his touch. 

One soothsayer commented 'It is as the ancient prophets and scriptures foretold. A new Jerusalem. His feet, walking upon England's (and even some of Scotland's) mountains green. A new Camelot. A new golden age of philosophy and enlightenment. He is accompanied by a flame haired woman quite a long way to his left, a slightly sensible woman balancing books and chaos with Ed Miliband.'

Starmer woke with a start as the campaign bus pulled into a leisure centre in Milton Keynes. 'What a strange dream' he thought. 'Now remember, you're the son of a tool-maker, not a tool.'

Keir remains Corbyn neutral

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Labour promises to clamp down on loo polls

Amid the unrelenting media demand for opinion polls, frustrated citizens have told Newsbiscuit they are fed up with being asked whether they’ve changed their minds over booting the Tory Party out of office on July 4.

'It’s gone way beyond a joke when you can’t even take a leak without some idiot with a clipboard standing next to you, asking “If you had a photo of Starmer and Sunak together, to put in the urinal, which one you’d aim your piss at?' said Dave Smiff, an Amazon delivery driver who values the rare opportunities he gets to empty his bladder.

We asked the Labour Party if it had any intentions of clamping down on WC poling and were told “Of course we will. Haven’t you read our manifesto?”