top of page
Search

Labour did not oppose ceasefire, except yes, yes it did



As a tentative hostage exchange is agreed in Gaza, the Labour Party have been backpedalling like a unicyclist rolling down The Alps. Smiling through gritted teeth, the Shadow Cabinet look as happy about peace as Ghengis Kahn's arrow supplier.


Hastily re-writing history with Tipp-ex and a crayon, Sir Keir now claims he sacked pro-peace members of his party due to an admin error. This is known as 'Schrodinger's Starmer' simultaneously lying to your face and talking out his arse.


He has even been forced to bin 1000 t-shirts printed with 'We don't negotiate with terrorists'. A spokeswoman curtly explained: 'We will tell you our position, just as soon as the US has told us what it is.'




Keir Starmer stars in first conservatives Christmas advert

Broadcast on primetime television last night, The Conservative Party released their first ever Christmas advert with an unlikely star. Keir Starmer was front and centre in the festive piece of right-wing political advertising, looking merry among a range of festive imagery.


In one scene he is seated on a fence, patiently waiting for Santa Claus to swoop down and tell him what to endorse. In another, he opens a present to reveal a life-size Tony Blair costume. Sunak was notably absent from the advert, but that didn’t put a damper on Starmer’s Christmas spirit. Among bewilderment by its viewers, a spokesperson for Starmer released a statement about the advert.


‘The truth is that they had a fantastic script that Keir couldn’t get enough of. He recognises the important differences between him and The Conservatives but hopes that they can come together for a common cause - celebrating the spirit of Christmas. This is not, however, an endorsement of the party’s politics. Any attempt to spin that narrative is outrageous and unseasonal.’


The Conservative Party unveiled a brand new festive slogan at the end of the advert, read by a Starmer as a voiceover. ‘This Christmas, anyone can be a Conservative. Even those you least expect.’


By Arborio Mulling



'Bring back Braverman!' begs bereft Starmer

"The Tories are scum, as Angela loves to scream at the start of every shadow cabinet meeting," said a special adviser apparently overhearing an ashen-faced Sir Keir Starmer. "But I never dreamed they'd fight this dirty." Saying this, he crawled into a corner at Transport House, curled up into the embryonic position and quietly started swearing at God for once again dashing the electoral hopes of the Labour Party.


"Suella was his talisman," murmured the adviser to bemused reporters. "However divided the parliamentary Labour was over Israel and Palestine, or nuclear disarmament, or re-nationalisation, Keir could always draw them together by holding up a picture of Braverman and uniting them in shared hatred of her.


"But with Cruella gone and her replacement seeming to be really quite moderate and likeable, there is now little or nothing to stop Labour from ripping itself apart over every issue under the sun - like it's always done - and making itself totally unelectable again."


Any further words from the special adviser were drowned out by the sound of Starmer hammering his forehead on the concrete floor and reportedly wailing: "Couldn't you have replaced her with a spitting cobra, or a Covid virus? Or Priti Patel. You could at least have brought back Priti. She was horrible."




bottom of page