"See how much better it was under Tories?", insists liar

As the U.K saw sustained rioting and extremist violence over the weekend, mentally underpowered political pundits have sought to erroneously remind the nation how much better things were under the previous government with one quoted as saying "Sure, almost every metric for measuring quality of life saw a significant drop under Tory rule, but at least there wasn't rioting!"

In response, John Forshaw, along with almost everyone else who could mentally form accurate memories, advised "If you ignore the many riots that took place during Conservative's tenure, they raise a good point." 

Forshaw continued "If you use you hippocampus, you might also recall 14 years of near constant crotch-ups, humiliations both national and international along with a denseness of stupidity so over-whelming it almost caused the nation to collapse in on itself like like a black hole, albeit a black hole that couldn't be trusted with money."

Forshaw added "Obviously the current sustained campaign of fear and intimidation is not ideal, but if we just treat the rioters like 6 year olds they'll punch themselves out, eventually."

"Then like any crabby six year old, they go on the naughty step, which in this analogy is one of His Majesty's high security prisons."

Forshaw added "Then we can get back to Labour's relentlessly underwhelming leadership as opposed to the Tory's outright malicious rule."

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

Starmer pledges to transform steel industry into no-steel industry

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Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore

The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.

An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.

 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.

Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.

The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...

Image credit: Wix AI