UK's longest tunnel 'sadly' not an escape route

The tunnel was initially pitched as a route to a fabled land of plenty - like Narnia or the Isle of Wight. Now, all optimism of a hasty exit has dwindled, now that it has become clear that the light at the end of the tunnel would just be the headlights of the HGV that was about to hit you. Said one UK resident: '£9bn to escape Starmer's Britain seemed a bargain. But it only gets you as far as Tilbury, Essex - which means you're still in the $hit.'

The Lower Thames Crossing was originally called 'Charlie Tunnel' and was to be dug by veteran Prisoners of War. Instead, the hole will be generated by collecting together all the country’s pot holes and combining it with the financial blackholes left by Rachel Reeves. The entry sign reads "Abandon Hope All Ye that Enter...£5 toll, please". And like all UK politics, there will be no opportunity to turn left.

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Sir Keir Starmer to unveil new upgraded State Visit Package – Gold Edition

For those frequent State Visit clients, why not upgrade your experience to create unforgettable memories in a haven of refined elegance and sycophantic obedience?

Buckingham Palace invites you to submerge yourself in unparalleled luxury with a total absence of legal scrutiny. Indulge in personalized service, with a bespoke state banquet catered by a cornucopia of American fast-food outlets.

Play a round of golf at one of the many elitist courses that can be segregated in all manner of different ways at your request. Includes 24-hour use of the Royal Ball Washer.

One journalist can be picked by the client and sent to the Tower of London. Hilarity will ensue.

Meet with likeminded individuals to discuss private islands and removing names from flight logs to your hearts content.

You will spend time with King Charles version 3.0, maybe not as humorous as his grandfather, but still highly skilled in inane flattery and feigned interest.

The Royal Carriage will have improved suspension to allow for an increased weight capacity and will now include a plethora of hand stitched leather cup holders.

A special inspection of the guard of honour is available, all soldiers will be tested to ensure that they remain professional with a loaded firearm so close to your vicinity. If you would like ammunition removed and for them to use rubber bayonets, this can be accommodated for.

This week only, a complementary extra-long tie with ermine finish.

2024 confirmed as 'stupidest year ever'

The Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed that 2024 is the stupidest year on record.  The past ten years have all been in the top ten, in an extraordinary run of record-breaking stupidity.

2024 saw some incidents of spectacular stupidity, including the election of Donald Trump, the claim that Navalny died of natural causes, Rishi Sunak announcing an election in the pouring rain, Glasgow’s disastrous ‘Willy Wonka Experience’, Raygun’s breakdancing at the Olympics, dynamic ticket pricing fails for that Oasis gig, Rachel Reeves 'boosting growth' by raising business taxes by £40bn and Keir’s call for the ‘return of the sausages’.

The greatest contribution to an increasingly stupid work was made by one man.  His actions and pronouncements have single-handedly moved the dial on global stupidity – Donald Trump.  His contributions in 2024 included claims that migrants were eating pets, magnets don’t work underwater, and Hannibal Lecter was a great man. And a bizarre speech about Arnold Palmer’s manhood.

Academics now concerned that the planet can never return to the average levels of stupidity in 1850-1900.   But the UK government is refusing to fund research into increasing stupidity levels, in case anyone makes fun of them.

Experts are unable to agree on the root causes of increasing stupidity, which are thought to include too much screen time, alternative facts, dumb things on social media, ultra processed foods, declining educational standards, global warming, artificial intelligence, chatbots, the dark web, brain rot, and GB News.