Trump announces 'Trump Justice' to replace trial by jury

In a briefing today at the White House, President Donald Trump, announced one of the central planks of new legislation he is to introduce will be “Trump Justice”.

‘Trump Justice will involve a new way of trying cases, rambled the at times completely incoherent president.  'A beautiful new way. The best. Courts and juries will no longer be burdened with having to listen to evidence. That's a bad system. It's the worst. People say that.

'Trump Justice is simple. If a defendant has enough buddies then what they do is flood the court with their buddies. Judges, who incidentally will be renamed Trump Legislators, will simply ask for a guilty or not guilty verdict by a show of hands from everyone in the courtroom.

‘You got enough buddies or you’ve bought off enough attendees, you walk. If you can’t do that, then you’re clearly guilty.'

Trump announces immediate cabinet reshuffle

Donald Trump, President elect of the United States, has made changes to his previously announced government office holders. Among the new key members of his cabinet are -

Overseas Aid - Genghis Khan.

Extreme Republican Khan becomes the first person of Asian origin to hold a post in US Government. Trump was quoted as saying, "I think Genghis can bring a whole new vision to how we collect aid from overseas. The guy's had a long time to plan this. Overseas countries like Mexico will be very keen to pay up once Mr Khan comes calling."

Defence - Ru Paul

"Let me tell you, isn't it said the best means of defence is offence, right? Well this, this, this, is it a guy?, sure as shit offends me. We're gonna let Mr Ru tell my pal Vladimir what's coming to him, with feathers on, if he doesn't toe the line. And there's another thing, right? How come we've got two guys. Vladimir and Vladimir, kicking off at each other? What is this, Cheech and Chong?"

Treasury - Scrooge McDuck

In this shock move, criticised by financial experts Simpson, Griffin and Smith, President Trump has taken the unprecedented step of appointing a cartoon character to senior office. "Well, the way I see it, and I'm usually very right about these things, right, is that this guy is literally swimming in money. So he knows how to make and keep a buck or two. And his name's McDuck, right, so he's obviously Scottish. And they are some very smart, very smart people. I myself am part Scottish as you could no doubt tell. I love the colour of that Irn Bru, as you can no doubt tell."

Justice - Randy Byczowski

This is the most unusual new appointment to the Trump government. Mr. Byczowski is currently serving a 7-10 year stretch in the Federal Correctional Institution at Leavenworth, Kansas.

'This one is for the people.' claimed President elect Trump. 'Now Randy is a very smart guy, as I am. And I recognised that thing in him. As soon as Randy's letter from Leavenworth arrived with me, I realised we need to re-examine our whole justice system inside out. And who better to lead that than a felon with a whole string of convictions and stuff to his name? None of these fancy lawyers and judges has got Randy's insight. And convictions. He knows justice - he's just never had any! So anybody out there who may be facing proceedings, challenges, lawsuits or impeachments, I can tell you, Justice Secretary Byczowski will deliver. I've personally assured my good friend Randy that he's got another 10-stretch coming up if he doesn't.'

Head of the CIA - Vladimir Putin

In keeping with his bold appointments, the President of Russia will now take charge of the USA's overseas counter-intelligence operations. 'He assures me that he already knows the CIA inside out, and they know a lot about him, so I figured the deal was as good as done,' said Mr Trump. While controversial, it appears no more so than appointing an alleged sex trafficker to run the Department of Justice.

Labour - Tony Soprano

'The guy's a New Yorker like I used to be, and he takes a direct approach to negotiating with workers, stopping all their sad whingeing about 'oh dear my billionaire boss has declared bankruptcy to avoid paying me my wages. Again.' commented the President. Pundits noted that, having already appointed a cartoon character to his cabinet, a second fictional Secretary of State is not surprising and, despite the Sopranos' reputation for dealing with labour relations using a baseball bat, will probably do less harm than any of the real people Mr Trump might have appointed. 

Environment - Sir James Ratcliffe

Few men have more pollution experience than Sir James. As head of the Environmental Protection Agency, he will end discrimination against the fossilized reptiles that have been repeatedly and unfairly blamed for so-called climate change . 'It wasn't the dinosaurs' fault that they died,' Sir James explained in a hastily arranged press conference. 'I will bring a swift end to the blame-dinosaurs-first cancel culture that the woke socialist wokists have inflicted on humanity.'

Transport - Edward John Smith

As captain of the Titanic, Mr. Smith brings a wealth of experience in navigating difficult transport issues. He will chart a new course in American transportation history, and will do so with icy determination. He will replace the rudderless policies of the Biden-Harris administration with plans guided by his unsinkable faith in the American spirit. 

This feature includes contributions from Tacitus and Sirlupus.

Picture credit: Wix

Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)