Just Stop Oil blocks gassy man’s route to Wetherspoons toilet

Last Sunday, during the mile-long route to a Wetherspoons bathroom, a man with a lot of flatulence reportedly encountered a congregation of ‘Just Stop Oil’ members protesting his gassy visit to the toilet.

‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They were in a line, sitting cross-legged with a banner draped over them. It looked like some members were glued down, but that could have just been cause the floors were really sticky.’

Eyewitnesses saw the man try to forcibly remove some of the protestors before farting in their faces and jogging out the door to a nearby Caffè Nero. One of the protestors spoke to press about the small-scale demonstration:

‘We have to start somewhere. If you were to look at carbon production in the immediate vicinity a significant proportion can be attributed to this man’s bowel movements. We have a right to protest anyone dumping more waste onto the planet, especially if it's the excrement from this man splattered all over a Wetherspoons cubicle.’

Following the news, another set of Just Stop Oil protesters reportedly sat down the aisle of an aeroplane to prevent toilet use during a long-haul flight.

Image: Pixabay/danielkirsch

'Twas ever thus

Met to Introduce Anti-Woke Crimes

Using emergency legislation, the government is to give the Metropolitan Police new powers to arrest supporters of so-called 'Woke Causes' for newly introduced specific crimes.

Amendments to the Police Act, will soon allow officers to detain Black Lives Matter protesters for "possession of a knee with intent to kneel." Pedestrians who are still on a Pelican Crossing when the green man starts flashing can also be arrested for supporting Just Stop Oil and holding up the highway; as can cyclists who fail to give way to any motor vehicle that is behind them.

Speaking outside New Scotland Yard, a Met spokesman lauded the proposed changes to the law. He remarked, 'These sorely-needed updates to bring policing into the 21st century will greatly aid our officers in the execution of their duties. This is the biggest shake up of law enforcement in the capital, and most-needed, since the 1980s, when we could arrest someone simply for owning a Bob Marley LP, or speaking in public with an Irish accent.'