Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

"Shambling incompetence is the new normal" announces Downing Street

A Government spokesman has reiterated that Boris Johnson is well and working normally and the public had better "get used to car impressions, Peppa Pig stories and long periods of near silence with muttered swearing."

With a wistful mood, the spokesman continued; "I can remember going into country pubs in the 1970s and there was often a semi-coherent bleary-eyed bloke sitting in the corner talking about French seagulls or something, so it's quite nostalgic for someone like that to be prime-minister."

"I know it would be more reassuring if the Prime Minister was bravely battling a bad cold to give a speech, but he's actually fine and this is what he does now."

image from pixabay

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Johnson announces Garden Bridge to cross rift with EU

The Prime Minister has resurrected plans for a Garden Bridge.

Mr Johnson explained the plan; "Not building the bridge in London has cost the tax payer £43M, I think we can do better than that. Did you know you could walk from the UK to the EU in Ireland? I didn't. But we can take advantage of that by moving the bridge to connect to the EU because there's simply a line in the road in Northern Ireland that the bridge has to cross."

image from pixabay

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