Johnson in keeps Dorries out, admits intern

Top prize at a fairground hoop-la stall, Boris Johnson, has survived a parliamentary vote of no confidence due to 211 Conservative MPs believing that keeping a proven liar and law-breaker in power is a much better alternative than risking the slim possibility that less-astute-than-arse-crack-fluff Nadine Dorries could fill the void left by his departure.

In what is being seen as a stroke of Machiavellian genius the PM’s strategy team executed a faultless plan to ensure the raw sausage caterpillar remained leader. Over-privileged number 10 intern, Popson Grygg, explained: “Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so do most tory MPs, and there’s no vacuum more expansive and abhorrent than Nadine Dorries.

“We strategised a plan to unleash the secretary for DCMS before the no-confidence vote to scare the shit out of dissenters, suggesting that should Bojo go, Nadine could take over. The plan was easy: get Nadine fired-up with a bucket of prosecco, let her watch Top Gun 2, then allow her to squeeze a few spots on the PMs arse - she loves that. Then wheel her in front of the camera.

“She was f**king pyroclastic! Claiming: ‘we are at war with Ukraine’, suggesting party donors could withhold funding if Boris wasn’t backed, and tweeting that Jeremy Hunt’s ‘pandemic preparation during six years as health secretary was found wanting and inadequate’.

“Boom! It worked better than we could imagine. Nadine was catastrophically self-defeating. A with a majority of 63, the big dog is still top dog. Actually, to be perfectly honest, the PM didn’t have a lot to with the plan. He just lay still and let Nadine squeeze.”

image from pixabay

Queen asks Paddington to form new government

During a break in filming their Platinum Jubilee sketch, the Queen was overheard asking Paddington Bear to form a new government of national unity or ‘marmalade coalition’.

A spokesbear roared ‘We’re getting Brexit pursued by a bear done. In terms of candidates for the top jobs, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh and Bungle from Rainbow coming in. Paddington was considering Rupert the Bear too, but in common with many Ruperts, he’s a right little Tory. Our policies will include hourly flights to Lima and a rapid increase in the UK’s duffel coat production.’

Once captured, Boris Johnson will be moved to London Zoo, but if he is unable to stop flinging excrement and masturbating then he will be humanely destroyed.

image form pixabay

Nanny declined invitations for Jacob to attend parties

Dickensian pipe-cleaner Jacob Rees-Mogg will not receive fixed penalty fines for attending Downing Street parties, because Nanny saw fit to formally decline all offers in a handwritten scroll handed in to Number 10 by Jacob, at luncheon.

Downing Street sources claim in the letter the MP for 19th century Somerset was ‘strictly forbidden to participate in fraternisation with subordinates in a way that may compromise his moral, spiritual, and ethical values by promoting the formation of a virtuous character and empathetic thinking.’

The letter also stipulated that ‘under no circumstance should the contents of Master Jacob’s piggy bank be used towards the purchase of alcohol, opium, harlots, or gifts for departing drones.’

An adviser close to Mr. Rees-Mogg divulged: ‘Jacob recently suggested he was too important to engage in turgid dalliance with Covid-saturated Downing Street plebs, mindlessly blathering on about the resurgence of some godforsaken ‘Gooners’ under Mikel Arteta, or participate in a spad circle-jerk over the latest footage of Matt Hancock’s cctv office rodeo show.

‘Let’s face it, no one was ever going to invite the Minister for Brexit Opportunities to a party and after a thimbleful of sweet sherry bore everyone stupid on karaoke with pithy ditties from HMS Pinafore.

‘And let’s say JRM was found to have attended parties, it’s common knowledge that if there’s any spanking to be administered there’s only one knee he’s going to lie across, and whose robust nipple he’ll gently but nostalgically bite down upon to ease the pain.

‘You know I’m referring to Nanny, not Bojo, don’t you?’