Venus Fly Traps for life not just for Christmas

Botanists have today started a campaign informing the public that Venus fly traps are not just for Christmas but for life. Sales of Venus Fly Traps have increased in recent weeks following the release of the John Lewis adverts. Venus Fly Trap Support groups are concerned they will be overwhelmed by unwanted plants which will need to be rehomed as people realise they don't have a smiling plant and instead have to feed it flies regularly.

'Venus Fly Traps need lots of love and care' says Steven Archer from the Fly Trap Supporters Group. 'It isn't all just fun and confetti. They're your Venus, they're your fire and your desire.'

Little shop of horrors John Lewis have been in trouble with support groups before after increases in sales of penguins and the number of grandpas being sent to the moon.

Author: u9537503

Image: Carla Quario (@carlaquario31) | Unsplash Photo Community

Government admits future of country depends on John Lewis Christmas Advert

The prime-minister has admitted that unless John Lewis come up with a stunning Christmas advert this year, the country is going to collapse.

"Frankly, I've had quite an attractive offer from Rwanda to buy the country outright and bearing mind the NHS, immigration, climate, inflation and fuel crises, if we don't get something up to the level of Monty the Penguin, I'm minded to accept. The Rwandan deal has the advantage of diffusing the "send refugees to Rwanda" controversy as technically everyone in the UK would actually be in Rwanda."

Kier Starmer has criticised the government dependency on John Lewis.

"This is ridiculous; the government has to take more action than simply hoping that John Lewis come up with spiffing advert. I can tell you that Labour would also press Marks & Spencer to come up with a good one and we're in close negotiations with the Cadbury's gorilla."

www.newsbiscuit.com

John Lewis announces new Rees-Mogg Edwardian Collection

Conservative curiosity and jobbing PG Wodehouse character Jacob Rees-Mogg, has signed a deal with John Lewis to promote his own brand of Edwardian clothing, household gadgetry and toys. The new J R-M lines will be on sale in all stores in time for Spring 2022.

He told Naga Munchetty: "It is simply splendid that my goods and wares are to be made available through such a fine retailing establishment as Messrs. John Lewis. Their emporiums are respected and trusted throughout the land, and indeed I, for one, wholeheartedly believe they are a reputable firm whose name remains synonymous with excellent quality and service. Hip-hip-hooray!

'What is more, I have been fortuitous in securing the services of an overseas facility in the far east, who will undertake manufacturing activities for my ranges at wonderfully competitive rates. Thus, protecting my profits, and in so doing, making me a tad wealthier.

The sepulchral parliamentarian further enthused: 'Toppers, cravats, wing-collared shirtings, hooped swimming costumes with straw boaters and copiously-brimmed hats with plumes of ostrich feathers will soon be all the rage; although one sour note has been sounded. The All England Club has banned the wearing of ornate millinery during Wimbledon for fear of causing arguments over restricting views of the on-court action.

'But it's not all about paters and maters, indeed no. Youngsters' smartphones and tablets will soon be naught but distant memories, what with my junior penny-farthing cycles, bagatelle boards, not to mention hoop and stick lines all expected to become firm favourites for the Summer holidays.'

Teenager goes out to do 'stuff'	In Manchester	Man has nervous breakdown trying to open liquid hand wash