Desperate journalists stampede Wapping to denounce Biden

There were scenes of chaos outside the headquarters of News International and other newspapers in London as thousands of columnists descended on their offices, desperate to get space on their pages to denounce US president Joe Biden.

“I’ve never liked the Democrat Party,” said one right-wing pundit who had joined the swarm outside the doors of the Daily Mail and was clutching a piece of copy entitled ‘This shambling old peacenik is a disgrace’.

“I absolutely must persuade them to put this out so I can cash in on this orgy of hatred and derision for Sleepy Joe.”

“It's nearly as pitiful as the scenes at Kabul airport,” said an exhausted sub-editor for the Daily Telegraph. “They're screaming and hollering to get their pieces in but we've been overwhelmed by all the paperwork, and there’s no way we'll be able to find space for them all before we pull out of this story.

“Some of the most ardently conservative columnists in Britain – our staunch allies over the past few years – have clearly been driven to distraction and are now completely hysterical. Look at this piece from Charles Moore. ‘America has lost its power and we’re all going to die’.

“It will take weeks to process all their submissions and tragically, there are thousands that we will have to consign to oblivion.”

Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

God Endorses Kanye West, Refuses to Comment on Biden/Trump

Despite facing a busy day deciding which children in Africa will live past 12, God has decided to chime in on American politics and give his full endorsement to Kanye West.

The all mighty lord and saviour initially refused to comment on the Biden vs Trump race and proclaimed Kayne West is the only man capable of running the United States. This comes as no surprise as Kayne has previously stated 'I'm like a vessel, and God has chosen me to be the voice and the connector'.

West previously announced his campaign for presidency on July 4th. He stated he will run for the Birthday Party, because 'when we win, it's everybody's birthday'. West's campaign has been described as having a 'Republican leaning, pro-black religious platform', which is a perfect platform for the lord.

God said 'Kanye is the perfect man for the job because he doesn't think too well and does what I say'. God refused to comment on the Biden and Trump campaigns. Sources are saying God saw both of them doing unmentionable acts to women.

West, who is most famous for being a musical genius with lyrics like 'In a French ass restaurant, Hurry up with my damn croissants' and 'Brrat-tat-da-da-da-da Ga-ga-ga-ga' will have a difficult time securing the nations top spot after failing to get the required number of signature for several states.

Anything is possible in this election and with the backing of God the Kanye campaign just might stand a chance. When asked what he thought of Gods endorsement Kayne stated 'I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle'.

Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay

Confused Biden repeatedly refers to Queen as ‘Mom’

By Our Senility Correspondent, Mad King George

CORNWALL, ENGLAND – A clearly discombobulated President Biden addressed the Queen as ‘Mom’ throughout their hour-long luncheon on Saturday, Palace sources have confirmed.

Meeting as part of the G7 summit in Cornwall, Biden reportedly told the Queen, “It’s nice to see you, Mom. I’ve missed you these past few years.” The monarch was reportedly at a loss for a response.

Biden then took a seat on the throne and put his feet up on a corgi saying: “It makes me feel like a kid again. Do we have ESPN yet?” He then rummaged under the ermine and velvet-lined royal seat, seemingly in search of a remote control, and requested Her Royal Highness bring him a ‘sodie’.

“How’s pop?” asked the President awkwardly, before adding in a moment of clarity, “I mean Prince Albert. You can’t still be in mourning after 150 years, Vicky! Woah, we are not amused, eh?” At this point POTUS nudged Queen Elizabeth II in the ribs, winking outrageously.

“It was great to meet with my mom again, and so sweet of y’all to be here in my old backyard of Wilmington, Delaware,” Biden told reporters afterwards, gesturing grandly at the Boeings dotted about the tarmac of the Heathrow runway.

“In a lot of ways, she reminds me of the Queen of England – her faithfulness, her generosity, being Head of the Commonwealth. Plus, that apple pie she served was just like Her Majesty used to make.”

Remarked Queen Elizabeth, “At least Trump only walked in front of me.”